[For maximum reading pleasure, please insert your Xena soundtrack CDs now and press play.]

I have to admit it, I was in no hurry to start this last review of the last hour of the last two-part episode of the last show of the last season of Xena. An awful lot of "lasts" in that last sentence. This episode stirred up a storm on the internet, but I don't think anybody really gets what's going on here, or they wouldn't be so upset. OK, now I'm getting warmed up. It's going to be a long, long review, but I think you'll all agree, this episode more than any other deserves close scrutiny. So here's my parting shot at "A Friend In Need Part II."

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First off, let's look at Part I versus Part II. Part I didn't end when they flashed "To Be Continued" across the screen last week. Part I ends four minutes before the end of the episode, then the show turns into something way more bizarre than almost anything I can think of for the show to do, but we'll get to that.

Suffice to say, Part I continues this week with minimal opening credits. A rather odd move, but that appears to be the only concession to showing this during a two-hour movie screening, despite airing alone in my case here. More episode time, right?

Xena, still in her sexy Japanese silver warrior armor from last week, is burying her traditional outfit in a riff on the opening scene of the whole series. I remind all that this is a Rob Tapert-heavy episode, with his story and direction full throttle. Expect the episode to have a few plot inconsistencies, but also expect a visually dazzling extravaganza. And this one matches Part I, perhaps then some, on both accounts. Xena places her sword in the ground with two hands in a gesture that says to me, "I surrender and yield to you." At this point, I see that as a loud warning sign that Xena was about to carry out her suicidal intentions from last week a lot more quickly than I expected. She does, however, keep her chakram, burying the rest. I felt like I was attending a funeral. "Swords to ashes, armor to dust...."

In the grandest Tapert tradition, the next scene is simply one big stupendous adrenaline rush, for Xena, the Japanese soldiers, and the audience. Beautifully photographed in golden tones, with the sun cutting through the trees and fog, this is one for the books. Xena hears the beat of battle drums all around her. She listens to the approach of feet. Oh, man, does she look like someone facing the electric chair.

Meanwhile, we see the results of teaching Gabrielle how to listen behind the sounds last week. It's too quiet, so she listens hard. Her mind clears, and she suddenly sees behind Xena's facade. Of course, Xena wants to be the ghost to kill Yodoshi! She has to go help Xena, and she runs off to leave those troops of hers under, well, who's leadership? Kenji? Not really the warrior type. But she realizes the enemy is after Xena, not her and her troops.

Xena waits warily while the Japanese soldiers wheel in just about every device of war known to man back then. This isn't the Persian army this time. It's Armageddon aimed right down on Xena! But this is Xena, so I figure she's got the advantage! Xena doesn't wait to be attacked. She tosses her chakram, causing much carnage in a single throw. Part of the carnage involves burning explosives, and the resulting mega explosion literally triggers off an atomic mushroom cloud! I kid you not! Armageddon! Some people have criticized this scene as being somehow anti-Japanese or some such nonsense. It's simply another example of Xena doing something before anyone else. Not nuking the Japs, but inventing fission. It's just an adventure romp--don't have a cow, people. And it looked great. OK, I'll try not to overuse that phrase this week. But it did!

So nothing's left, right? Well, it wasn't that big an atomic explosion, as nobody is killed or even burned by their proximity to ground zero ('course none of 'em will ever have children). They're blown down and sprayed with fire, but even that doesn't stop their will to fight. Xena begins to show off her archery skills, but she's answered this time by wave after wave of arrows pummeling her from all sides. Where do you run? Where do you hide? Even Xena only has two hands with which to grab them out of the air. There is a lot of imagery lifted from Akira Kurosawa films in these last two episodes, and this is one of them: waves of arrows driving the hero into submission. I felt sick during this scene, watching Xena take arrow after arrow until she's drenched in blood and jerking about, barely able to stand. She's making like Al Pacino at the end of "Scarface," except Xena's not jacked up on cocaine, she's jacked up on Gabrielle. How do I know this, aside from personal experience? She pulls out Katana, the kick ass sword, and she stumbles forward, taking arrows but mowing down soldiers like a hurricane. As she's finally succumbing to the endless onslaught of soldiers, she begins crying out Gabrielle's name loudly and clearly. Not that she thinks Gabrielle can rescue her, but because she wants that to be her last thought before she dies. Please make them stop. I don't want to see any more.

They pull out some touching Xena/Gabrielle moments from past clips, and I'm so distraught, I don't even care that I'm sick of that trick this season. But the imagery is just mesmerizing, and I can't take my eyes off it. This whole scene is easily the most horrifying thing I've seen on this show since "Ides of March." Possibly even worse, considering the outcome of tonight's little teleplay. And you know what makes it hurt most of all? She's dying all alone out there. No Gabrielle, no Eve, not even Ares. Just hundreds of people who hated her and wanted her dead, and worse. It's not right, but by Rob Tapert's way of seeing it, this was pedal to the metal, balls to the wall flat out drama, as close as you'll get to a roller coaster ride in your living room. There was simply so much tragedy here, it reached stunning heights of dramatic payoff. Shakespearean tragedy raised to the tenth power. My heart was beating fast, and I wouldn't know it if the house burned down around me. But from last week, you knew this wasn't the total end of her. She had to be a ghost to kill Yodoshi, so she'll be turning up here soon.

So Xena's finally about to pass out from loss of blood, if not necessarily fatal wounds, and suddenly through her hazy vision, she sees a samurai appear and slice at her. The last thing she sees is a wave of her own blood flying through the air. Oh, man, that was tough to watch. If anything, I'm even more upset watching it this second time. At first I wondered why go through all that agony? Why not just quietly commit hari kari someplace? But I guess that's probably not honorable enough to give her the power needed to fight Yodoshi. I guess a warrior needs to go out in a blaze of glory. Unfortunately, Xena got a lot of blaze, but virtually no glory!

The samurai plays a big role in this episode, but when I went to find out his name, nobody seems to know. I find it odd that a character with such an, um, impact on the show is not even known by name. So I'll just call him "the samurai" here. We will see him later.

Well, at least nothing else this hour could be any more horrible than that, right?

Gabrielle comes running across the battlefield. Since all the soldiers are long gone, I'm assuming it took her a bit to find the spot. All she locates is Xena's incredibly bloody chakram. Why is it bloody? She didn't use it to kill anyone, just to set off that big explosion. Maybe it split a few skulls on the way. I'll just say right now, this episode really lets Renee get a final showing before the end. Last week we saw Xena give Gabrielle her final "lessons," and this week we see her hit the ground running (literally in many cases!), every bit the confident warrior and equal to her mentor. As a Gabrielle fan, I felt like saying, "Look, ma, she's all growed and done moved away on her own, now! Seems only yesterday she was just our little girl." And Renee used the opportunity to put on a bravura performance! Somebody get this woman her own series! Anyway, she looks worried, but with Xena, you expect her to pull through. Gabrielle hasn't given up just because of a bloody chakram. If only she'd shown this much focus in that last four minutes, but I'm getting ahead....

We then see ghost Akemi back in the tea house. Katana magically reappears in its sword holder display. Xena's dead, so it has returned from the battle scene. She drops her head in remembrance of Xena, only to find her walking in through the door--naked no less! Can't even take your clothes with you when you die. But some of the other girls come out to immediately dress Xena in brilliant red robes which totally stand out in the overall whiteness of the interior. Again, Rob Tapert comes up with a brilliant piece of visualization here. The red can stand for so many things that occur here, and it also simply looks great as a visual accent on Xena throughout the show. She is wearing her heart on her sleeve.

Cut back to Gabrielle talking to Kenji. They are watching the Ghost Killer, Harukata, dispatch souls as they emerge from the dead bodies strewn about on the battlefield. Kenji explains this liberates the souls from Yodoshi's power, and they can go free. But I guess not even Harukata can grab them all. This much carnage, surely the souls are flying out pretty rapidly all over the battlefield. When Kenji expresses hope that the Ghost Killer can find Xena to do her this favor, Gabrielle lashes back angrily with, "She's alive! Do you understand? She--is--alive!!!" Um, Gabrielle, can we talk...?

Akemi is back to writing dewy-eyed love poems for Xena, but she's having trouble finding the words (kind of like me right now). Xena feels funny, and seeing as how she's been dead before, she ought to know "funny" when she feels it. Akemi explains they are merely a projection provided by Yodoshi, and are thus controlled by him. As we shall see, apparently Xena's not under much control from the Lord of the Dark Land. She looks at the girl across the room with the noisy ankle bracelet. She looks like trouble, and Akemi looks at her like she's trouble. Perhaps they've already said too much in front of her? Then Xena says to Akemi, "Funny, you're just the way I remember you." Remember last week? She was a manipulative liar who used Xena's affections to further her way of revenge. Xena, heed your own words. She is exactly the way you remember her. Yet Xena seems to place complete trust in anything Akemi tells her this episode, and once again, it would have disastrous results.

Yodoshi's little pet, Miyuki, has heard enough, and she decides it's time for the Lord and Master to meet his new servant. She slaps her bare foot on the floor, ringing her ankle bells, and Yodoshi does his usual jet-through-the-forest entrance thing. I love that effect. He appears before Xena, and without so much as a "How do you do?" begins to knock her about with his super breath and whip her with flames until her clothes burn off in big chunks. The other girls cower timidly on the floor with expressions saying, "Better her than me!" He then pushes her face into his boot until she swears allegiance to him. He's happy and disappears. Gotta love those Japanese villains. Not a lot of talk, and they're easy to please if you simply swear allegiance. Not like those chatty Greek gods and their perpetual meddling (before they all died, that is).

Later on, Xena and Akemi sit out near the water. Akemi's glad Xena showed Yodoshi respect, and Xena finally tells her the truth: "It wasn't respect I was showing him. I'm going to destroy Yodoshi!" Then a flash of that old Xena sneer! That's my warrior princess! Akemi's worried about Miyuki ratting them out. Xena's got plans for that, and she heads into the woods, knowing Miyuki will follow.

Ever faithful and optimistic Gabrielle is still working her way through the fog shrouded woods looking for Xena. She spies things moving between the trees. Suddenly, Xena appears before her. Xena's surprised to run into Gabrielle too, since her mind's on Miyuki at the moment. The two embrace, and when Gabrielle tries to hand Xena her chakram back, it slips through her ghostly fingers. It doesn't take the quick-witted Gabrielle an instant to realize what's going on. "How could you let yourself be killed?" she asks, tears streaming down her lovely cheeks. Now I'm getting upset again. "You'd have tried to stop me, then we'd both be dead," Xena tells her. Good point. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Gabrielle wails in despair. Xena explains how they've overcome death before, and they'll get all this straightened out. Gabrielle straightens up and gives Xena a long embrace, saying, "You're my whole life Xena. I won't lose you." Xena's mouth says, "You won't lose me," but her eyes make her out a liar. A simply brilliant scene, with Renee emoting her little ass off the whole time, and perhaps the true "final sendoff" for this couple. Certainly better than--well, I'll get to that.

Harukata suddenly sneaks up behind Gabrielle, drawing his sword. Gabrielle's well-honed warrior skills have her sword in her hand and ready to tangle immediately. She thinks Harukata's here to send Xena on, but Xena explains he's part of the plan to bring down Yodoshi. Of course, Miyuki is getting an eyeful from the woods. Xena is well aware of this, and she grabs the girl suddenly and throws her onto Harukata's upraised sword. She lights up like a bulb before disappearing, and Xena lunges forward to catch the remaining ankle bells before they hit the ground, ringing and thus summoning Yodoshi. Now he comes when Xena calls, bay-bee! Who wears the pants in this tea house now?

Back at the tea house, Xena returns to show Akemi and the other simpering cowards what she's got. Now they can get "ready" for his next visit. But the odd thing is when Gabrielle walks up slowly over the walkway to the tea house. The poor warrior bard looks like she's still in shock as Xena introduces her to Akemi. I'll bet Gabrielle's pretty pissed that Xena's dead and now going to possibly spend the after life with her Japanese rival. But Xena introduces Gabrielle to Akemi as her "soul mate." She's telling them up front where things stand. It's her and Gabrielle all the way. I choked up on that a bit. "She's a poet like you, Akemi," Xena continues. How sweet, she's trying to get them to bond. But remember, Akemi has that nasty little habit of not quite telling the whole truth (actually, a bit like Gabrielle herself during the whole "Hope" thing).

Harukata asks if Gabrielle would risk her life for the return of Xena's life. "Without hesitation," Gabrielle tells him. I'm beginning to lament society's prohibition against grown men bawling like babies. Kenji tells her she must find Xena's body, burn it, then sprinkle the ashes into the Fountain of Strength on Mt. Fuji. All before the second sunset after death (Gabrielle: "That's tomorrow!"). Umm, yeah, right. Whatever, Rob.

Xena pulls Gabrielle aside to work a bit more on this whole Gabrielle/Akemi bonding thing. Why? No matter what happens, these two will probably never see each other again. Xena thanks Gabrielle sweetly for risking her life to retrieve her body. Gabrielle looks back like, "Hey, what are friends for, right?" But Akemi offers to give her something to protect her on her journey. She didn't say anything about protecting her from the pain of a huge tattoo on her back! And she's in pain, alright, pulling at the sheets in agony and grimacing through the entire ordeal. This is Xena and Gabrielle's last chance to talk together in an unhurried fashion, yet Xena just stares at her through this, and Gabrielle obviously isn't talkative either. Too bad. A waste of some possible great dialogue here. But it looks, um, like Tapert's handiwork. Think mehndi.

Then, before Gabrielle leaves to find the body, Xena gives her Katana, blessed with super extra delicious powers by Harukata. Considering women don't normally use this sword, it's saying a lot that they entrust it to Gabrielle, and she lives up to their expectations. If she's not the cutest warrior in the business.... Gabrielle turns back to Xena, telling her in no uncertain terms they will meet again at Mt. Fuji tomorrow. Gabrielle's even beginning to exhibit some of Xena's facial expressions. She's got the "don't f*** with me, I'm on a mission" look down cold.

She turns back to Xena one last time, and we see Katana on Gabrielle's one side, the chakram flashing on her other side. How times change. She's all dressed up in her black warrior armor and a blue tunic that sets off her eyes and really suits her coloring. The ladies are both quite stunning. Pure Rob Tapert. Xena's looking so very proudly at her as she replies, "See you there." I can't watch any more, but I keep watching. It's like a slow motion train wreck. You can see it coming, yet....

It's raining and late at night as a very determined Gabrielle arrives in the enemy soldiers' camp. She pulls out a whip now, demonstrating Xena's taught her that at some point. She wields it expertly, snarling with anger and making mince meat of the guards. Then she sees it. The body. Hanging from a cross, an arrow visible in the thigh. The poor girl's knees go out from under her as she spies the headless neck, shown to us by Mr. Tapert in all its gory detail. We also see other bloody signs of her tortured condition. Gabrielle appears ready to vomit at this desecration of her dear friend, but then she pulls it together. She rises, pulling out Katana, and yells into the storm, "Give me her head!" Getting no reply, she cuts down the body and wraps it up. Disturbing...very disturbing.

Suddenly, the samurai shows up behind her. Gabrielle does a slow rise, and turns to face him. He brags about killing Xena, and Gabrielle tells him the only reason he killed her is Xena let him. He says she's the one with the death wish, and steely-eyed Gabrielle replies, "I accept the challenge." Renee is simply outdoing herself tonight. At the half-way point, so far, so good. Dazzling, dramatic, memorable, and often a bit sickening.

Gabrielle and the samurai have a very interesting battle. Rather than the usual over-the-top free-for-all action fight (see virtually any fight involving Xena), this one consists of Gabrielle and the samurai facing each other in the mud and driving rain, barely moving, looking, listening, waiting to detect the slightest opening in the other's defense. Suddenly, samurai guy springs forward with a cry, only to have Gabrielle easily read his move, knock him to the ground, and put a sword to his neck in one swift move. I wish Xena'd seen that.

Then, Gabrielle becomes Gabrielle again. The samurai asks her to remove his head for a noble death. She, true to form, simply whacks the guy on the back of the head with the flat of her blade, knocking him out but hardly killing him. In Japan, that was probably the biggest insult she could give him, but she doesn't look at it that way. That little idiosyncrasy once again allows a villain to remain at large, causing the bard even more trouble. But I don't think we'd have our peace loving Gabrielle any other way, would we?

After the scene with Xena's mangled body, I wasn't nearly as shocked when the soldiers, in defeat, part to reveal Xena's head mounted on a display table. On top of it all, like I said, it was pouring rain, and her head, eyes closed and looking glum, was drenched in water, her hair matted grotesquely to her skin. Again, she looked just so alone and sad. But Gabrielle's numb to this horror show by now, and she grimly retrieves the head. She got what she came for.

Meanwhile, Xena's plan is about to come to fruition as well. In the tea house, Harukata chants to drum up some last minute power, Akemi will kneel over Kenji as he pretends to be Yodoshi's next sacrifice, and Xena straps on the ankle bells. We're still not real clear on the plan here, other than the fact they are going to use Katana to kill Yodoshi, presumably by Xena's hand. Now that I think of it, how can Xena have given Katana to Gabrielle earlier? Gabrielle's still out in the woods with it someplace. I guess they just gave Gabrielle a really good regular sword. She certainly knew what to do with it. Or there's more than one Katana. It's a bit vague, but that's Rob for ya.

Xena stamps, Yodoshi appears, and all hell breaks loose. Yodoshi immediately sees that things aren't right, as Miyuki's not the girl with the bells, and there's an old man with a sword coming at him. Harukata gets in a couple of sword wounds, but you know what they say about wounded animals? Yodoshi isn't playing around now, and he begins to use all his powers in defense. Xena ends up with the sword only to find Yodoshi has fallen in the hot tub. She stabs down into the steamy, roiling water, but doesn't hit anything. Yodoshi, the shape shifter, has assumed the form of steam, and he's condensing on the ceiling above them! Cool! When the water drips to the floor, up rises Yodoshi, looking all fresh and clean. I just love the makeup and stuff on this guy. Truly a striking looking demon. Now Xena looks worried. Apparently, she has no Plan B other than to improvise.

In a bloody gore fest, Xena attacks Yodoshi, only to have him spit fire that misses Xena to catch Akemi on fire. Xena kicks her into the water in the hot tub. Yodoshi then cuts off Kenji's head in a vicious swipe by holding Xena's wrists and using Katana. Xena's horrified as Yodoshi does the freezing trick again from last week, trapping Akemi, alive, under a thick surface of ice. She's going to drown. (Wait--isn't she a ghost and already dead? But it's very dramatic!) But not before Yodoshi, who has wrested Katana from Xena's hands, skewers Harukata so hard he's left hanging several feet in the air on the sword. He's not dead yet, but only Beowulf could come back from that kind of wound. And Yodoshi hasn't even worked up a sweat yet.

Yodoshi kicks Xena around a bit more, even burning her a bit, before she kicks Katana away from him and slices off one of his arms. If you're into flying body parts, this episode is for you. Flame erupts, and as he bellows in pain, Xena stabs his midsection. He turns into a spinning ball of flame, then shoots like a rocket straight through the roof and into the night sky. Simply amazing. One of their better fight scenes. And I didn't find the violence particularly gratuitous. They had to really pound home how nasty this guy is to emphasize the need for Xena to do anything to put him down. Certainly not as disturbing as when Gabrielle finds Xena's headless corpse. And the music for this sequence is particularly good.

Xena cuts through the ice to release Akemi, and they hear Yodoshi bellowing off in the distance. He's hurt, but he's not dead.

In contrast, Gabrielle is standing quietly at Xena's funeral pyre, holding Xena's ashes in a little black (what other color would it be?) urn and sniffling as she remembers Xena. More clips, but very short and appropriate here. "You will return to me, my friend," she says bravely. Who didn't want to step into the scene and put their arm around her right then?

Akemi, in another visually arresting scene, is wrapping up Kenji's body beneath the spot where his blood sprayed across the white wall. Stunning. Xena is looking after Harukata, who informs her that Katana was insufficient to kill Yodoshi since he was probably drinking from the Fountain of Strength on Mt. Fuji. Yes, that's right where Gabrielle's heading. Who'da thunk? Seems he might've warned them of this possibility earlier. Maybe they could've gotten a jug of water first and had it with them for that first confrontation. He tells Xena she's got to finish the job by taking a drink herself before tackling Yodoshi again. Then he dies.

Gabrielle has managed to find a nice white horse to get her to Mt. Fuji in time for the sunset. But the samurai has other ideas. He's still pissed, and he won't let Gabrielle undo his proud accomplishment of killing Xena. He drops Gabrielle's horse with an arrow, and the two face off. This time, they get right down to crossing swords, but I found it of interest that Gabrielle leaned down to grab the urn first. It must've made it much harder to fight, and it's not long before the samurai kicks it away from her. She could've just fought off the samurai, then retrieved the ashes, but Xena means so much to her that she's not letter her go for even an instant. It's a small point, but vividly illustrates how important Xena is to her, in life or death.

The two find themselves without weapons atop a rocky slope. They get into a kick-boxing type duel that Renee, with her interest in the sport, must've loved filming. She looks so strong, focused, and confident. But as she dispatches the samurai, the urn is hit and it rolls over the side of the cliff. We're left with Gabrielle crying out, looking over the cliff edge with outstretched arm. On to the final act. I'm tempted to stop now, before whatever the awful ending is, but I just have to see how this plays out. It looks like it'll end with everyone at the Fountain of Strength, and you know Gabrielle will have the urn back before sunset. What's everyone complaining about? As I scrolled through the commercials, though, I realized I was just so tired and burnt out from this non-stop onslaught, I was beyond any criticism at this point, or so I thought. I was simply an empty vessel waiting for whatever flowed forth from the TV screen. Probably just the way Rob intended.

We return to see Gabrielle has located the urn in a bird's nest down the cliff. She's going after it. Just a few feet away, Yodoshi has appeared, using his sword as a sort of key to turn on the fountain. I guess you don't want to leave it running all the time, or there'd be a lot of powerful people (to say nothing of animals) running around. Xena jumps Yodoshi, catching him by surprise and tossing him away. A pool high up has to fill with water before it begins to flow over the lip to the people down below. Just as the water is about to spill down to Xena, Yodoshi recovers enough to use his freezing breath to knock Xena away as well as freeze the fountain water. Xena is sent flying over a cliff, and her flapping red robes against the snowy ground below is once again Tapert at his best. Gabrielle hears the scream, and realizes Xena's here and needs help. Let's get the urn later, let's save Xena first. She darts back.

Suddenly Akemi appears pretty much out of nowhere, and she's grabbed Katana from where it fell earlier. She's about to kill Yodoshi, and he bellows, "What? My own daughter?" Sounds really dramatic (this is Rob Tapert here, folks), but excuse me, Yodoshi. Your daughter is the one who killed you in the first place. She's only got more reason to dislike you now. But it's a moot point, as he blasts her away in one breath.

Gabrielle finds Xena lying on her back at the foot of the cliff. She appears to have a broken back, and we are reminded of "Ides of March." You know when Xena's helpless, Gabrielle will rise beyond her best. But Yodoshi's injured too. I don't know why as he didn't get hurt much except Xena tossing him down the hill. He's withstood much worst than that. No, wait, he's still missing an arm. But he finds a few chunks of the frozen fountain water near him, and he ingests them. Frozen, unfrozen, it's still water from the Fountain of Strength. And the arm's now back. The picture of hellth.

Yodoshi begins to use his vacuum powers to suction in Akemi. She uses the sword to hold herself to the ground. I thought perhaps she should grab a big rock and let go of the sword. It probably would've flown to him so fast it'd take his head right off. Or perhaps he'd just eat it too. Well, down she goes, and he grabs the sword as it flashes past on the way down his gullet.

Meanwhile Xena is telling Gabrielle she's run out of strength and needs the water from the fountain. Yodoshi turns about to see Gabrielle at the pool cupping water into her mouth. He gives her a big fireball to the back, but despite burning away her tunic there, has little effect as the magic tattoo reflects the flame back to Yodoshi, who has trouble taking his own medicine. Then she runs back to Xena with a mouthful of water.

In true Tapert tradition, I'm totally perplexed by the geography here. One minute, Gabrielle's at the top of the cliff, the next she's all the way down to the bottom. How'd she get there that fast? One minute, Xena's lying at the foot of the cliff, now she's just feet from the water. Surely Gabrielle didn't drag her up. It all looks great, but seems rather Twilight Zone-ish when you look closely.

Then we get the Big Kiss that every lesbian has been waiting for. The final confirmation of Xena and Gabrielle's sexual bonding. Not. I'm sorry, but I just didn't get that vibe from this "kiss." Gabrielle was simply giving Xena water by the best available means of the moment, sort of reverse mouth-to-mouth. Sure, Tapert played it for all it's worth by having their lips linger together perhaps a little longer than necessary, but what did you expect from him? This isn't an erotic kiss, if it's even a kiss at all. Gabrielle's watching her friend, or "soul mate," if you prefer, slipping away from her. She's been through a grisly journey and fought hard against succumbing to a feeling of loss and helplessness. It was a "don't leave me, I love you" kiss (with the "love" still open to interpretation). It was a "last chance I may ever have to see you" kiss. But in the midst of all this death and mayhem, with Yodoshi facing them down, you can't tell me she even thought about giving her a "let's get down and dirty, lover girl" kind of kiss. There was very little eroticism involved, other than just seeing two beautiful women lock lips briefly. Alex and Claire's kiss at their Convention XXX Review was hotter than this by a mile, and I believe neither of them is gay. I'm not saying they aren't together physically, which kind of turns me on a bit too, only that this is not a definitive statement one way or the other. Just Rob teasing us unmercifully once again. Anyone paying attention to the show this last six years should've known there would be no payoff on this subject tonight. Why ruin the mystery?

Suddenly, Xena pops up, transformed into her old kick ass warrior self, black leather, breast plate and all! Now this is how Xena's last television moments should look! She asks Gabrielle to give her the sacred Katana to finish the job. OK, so Gabrielle does have Katana. Must be more than one. Gabrielle's surprised, delighted, then worried as she sees how close the sun is to setting. She's still got to retrieve Xena's ashes! Xena starts to tell her something, but Yodoshi interrupts. This was the only foreshadowing we would have to the ultimate disaster that would unfold in mere minutes. Of course, on first viewing, it didn't have any meaning at all. Gabrielle runs off as Xena turns to confront Yodoshi.

Both being spirits, Yodoshi and Xena dissolve into flames to engage in an aerial battle which leaves the tree tops on fire. When they hit ground, Yodoshi exclaims, "Enough of this!" Perfect cue for a tart Xena comeback, but she just leaps at him with Katana. We get rapid cuts to Gabrielle, risking life and limb climbing down to Xena's urn. The rest of the fight is a little more traditional, with Yodoshi and Xena locking swords and trading kicks. Not much to describe, but it's visually stunning, and with the music, achieves a grandeur of its own, as we realize by the time this will be Xena's final battle. The shots of Xena standing in front of the raging fires reminded me of similar shots from the opening credits. After locking up again in a sky duel, they land, and Yodoshi taunts Xena, saying the first thing he'll do next is kill Gabrielle and take her soul. Hey, at least they'd be together, right? Not the ending we would want, but would it be better than what actually happens? "You won't live that long," Xena tells him with her usual confidence and swagger. Threaten Gabrielle, eh? Xena kicks the stuffing out of Yodoshi, finally bouncing him off a tree, only to turn her back and give him her trademarked behind-the-back shish kebabbing when he flies back towards her. With the magical Katana now firmly in his midsection, perhaps this will bring him to a final death. We see Gabrielle finally grab the ashes (with a tricky kick-and-grab move) as Xena gives Yodoshi a final beheading just in case. At this point, I was wondering if my own head were still attached. Yes, there it is.

The spirits fly out of Yodoshi's neck to freedom. If one light ball is one spirit, there's no way Yodoshi had 40,000 or more people inside him. Again, I think Xena was framed through an artificially high body count. But it's all over now. Just toss those ashes in, Gabrielle.

But no, the samurai has once again popped in to thwart her. "I deserve the dignity of a warrior," he says. The sun's low--she doesn't have time for this. "Dignity, huh? Like you showed my friend?" she retorts, reaching for the chakram on her belt. Reaching for what? I guess she'll hit him on the head with it. No! She whips it out like a pro, killing the samurai with a blow to the forehead, bouncing it off some rocks, then deftly catching it again! Gabby! We didn't know you had it in you! As a Gabrielle lover, this was probably my favorite moment of the show. Even Gabrielle's surprised! Again, I wish Xena'd seen that. She'd be so proud.

Akemi's spirit stops long enough to tell Xena that her actions have redeemed them all, including Xena herself. Job done, now drop in the ashes. We see the pool, and Gabrielle's hands appear over it, holding the urn.

Let's stop the tape right now. That is the real end of Part I, a stunning five chakram affair so far. A little shaky logically, but more than enough other treats to make up the difference. Now Part II, and all the trouble, starts.

First, let's look at Rob Tapert's view of this. He's got a TV series which has been sold to a company that isn't really supportive. His audience base is eroding due to competing similar series and bad time slots. His wife is simply physically exhausted after six years. His fans, who he's always paid some attention to (even if to purposely confound their expectations), are rabid in their call for another season, movies, a spin off series, anything.

What does he have? He's got an iconic franchise (anything associated with Xena will probably sell) and a costar, Renee, who has expressed some interest in continuing on (depending upon which rumor source you believe). How do you please everyone? Of course, you can't but you can get pretty close.

Let's assume Xena lives, and she and Gabrielle walk off to further adventures in the sunset. Lots of happy fans. But the series concludes happily, and although fans are pissed at the end of the series, they feel a certain resolution and closure. The studio owning the rights to Xena, which has shown itself to be deaf to the show, would have no reason to back either a movie (theatrical or television) or a spin off series. Anyone heard about Hercules since he and Iolaus walked off side by side?

So he looks at what's best long-term for the series, and thus for the fans. He kills off Xena, leaving them in a state of apoplexy, as they foam at the mouth, yell and scream, flood the internet with messages of outrage. They bombard the studios with demands for a more rewarding ending. This will continue for quite some time, as the fan base is incredibly loyal. Meanwhile, even the mainstream press begins to notice this blip on the culture radar. Somebody's going to want to feed that commercial maw, and so a movie or spin off is almost guaranteed. How long that takes is another question. Hopefully a couple of years.

Meanwhile, if the spin off goes into effect and Renee still wants to be involved, who better to spin off than Gabrielle, who many feel really was the star of the show (although we know it was 50-50, right?). It was her story in some ways. You can't have a Gabrielle series without Xena--just not possible. But what if Xena's finally dead? That frees Gabrielle up totally, and we've seen she's finally ready to step into Xena's boots in every way. Whether Rob takes that and turns it into another "Cleopatra 2525" (i.e., poorly written and cheap looking), only time would tell. But who wouldn't tune in to watch Gabrielle's further adventures? Sure, it's not XWP anymore, but there will never be another show like this, so we have to learn to get on and find other pleasures. And "Gabrielle: Girl With a Chakram" might pull a "Frasier" and nearly overshadow it's predecessor, given the right treatment and writers. Not much chance, but stranger things have happened (look at Xena springing from Hercules). I know many of you will quote interviews and such that disagree with what I've taken as facts, but at this point, there's a rumor or quote to back up anything. All I have as hard fact is what I see on the screen, and everything I've seen points to this scenario.

OK, the money people don't want to invest long time in a series, but a one shot movie is do-able. Test the waters. We got Star Trek movies before we got new Star Trek series. We've got the plot already staring us in the face. Gabrielle travels to Egypt, only to find some sort of way to return Xena, who accompanies her in ghost form. I'd watch it. I'd tape it. I'd buy the DVD. I think the Egyptians were known for having a close religious relationship with death, so where better to go to find ways around it?

It's a win-win proposition, people. It was going to end anyway. Why not like this? And, technically, they are still together, just not on the same astral plane or whatever. But don't give up on that rage yet! Without fan pressure, none of that future stuff will happen. But let's not blow it all out of proportion. Don't use your energy to rag Rob Tapert; praise him for keeping so many options open for the future and use your energy to deluge the studios with fervent pleas for more Xena. Show them there's a market for her. That's all they understand. The fact everyone's enraged only shows that Rob's plan is working, and hopefully when the Xena movie turns up, or the Gabrielle series, we'll all look back and wonder why it wasn't obvious from the start.

I've heard people also bitching about Rob trying to send a veiled threat to uppity, strong women. Please!!! You're going to tell me that one episode offsets all the positive role models he's provided on this show? He strikes me as a great supporter of women. Remember, this is Rob Tapert, visual guy. Think of a cool picture, then write the script around it. That's simply what he does here. The visual imagery is simply stunning here, and we are left with dozens of unforgettable moments, from Yodoshi's original entrance to Xena's red-robed fall from the sky. It's all about looks and energy, not making some statement about women's rights. Sure, Xena's abused and knocked to about as low as she's ever been, but she fights back and overcomes all obstacles (the next four minutes not withstanding). We're getting the same old Xena we've always seen. Tell me what happened here is any worse than watching the dazzling duo being nailed to crosses and hoisted up. The only difference is, we knew a new season was going to set things straight.

As for her remaining dead, that was a franchise-oriented decision as outlined above, not a final take down of strong women the world over. Rob's efforts have always been weak on logic and continuity, but strong on visual impact and drama, and as such, he's been responsible for much of the most unforgettable imagery on the series. His hand in writing can be found on "Sins of the Past," and he directed "Destiny," where we first meet M'Lila and Julius Caesar. Can anyone forget "The Debt?" I could go on. The fact is, Rob is the Xena franchise, and if you look at his previous work, you will see a string of high action, very visual stories. They were, first and foremost, about telling a "whopper." Like it or not, he told a hell of a "whopper" this week. It was pure Rob Tapert and contained all the arch elements which define his story telling style. He's made a career of breaking people's expectations, and he pulled it off here to the max. Perhaps too much so.

So I loved the ending, right? Wrong, chakram breath. It totally sucked, but not because of any of those reasons. The ending sucked because it totally betrayed the characters of Xena and Gabrielle as we've grown to know them over six years. Rob had a great master plan, pure genius, but it was horribly bungled in the execution. Let's start the tape and see what happens, or doesn't happen. If I can stand to watch it again!

Gabrielle removes the lid from the urn. It's only inches above the water now, when Xena's hand comes in to stop her. What?! To make a long, painful story short, Akemi kind of forgot to tell Xena earlier that she'd have to remain dead for the souls to find "grace." Looked to me like that's what they just did. I told you that bitch Akemi was trouble! Damn! Of course there's no logic at all about holding Xena responsible. She was tricked by Akemi, attacked by villagers, and is only responsible for defending herself. As Gabrielle said, it was just a tragic accident, the village burning down. Gabrielle is looking at her like these same thoughts are running through her mind. She can't believe what Xena is telling her. "Xena," Gabrielle says, "that is not right." Truer words were never spoken. It isn't right. At all.

And it's so arbitrary. For this kind of ending to work, you should lead up to it. The villain does something at the end to disrupt Xena's plan for rebirth. Build up to it in the episode, so we know what we're dealing with. Everything Gabrielle did tonight was totally worthless. She didn't have to risk life and limb battling the samurai or climbing down a dangerous cliff. Pointless. It's almost as random as if a modern day bus passed by and just ran her over at the end. Pointless. If she was going to die, couldn't she have received her fatal blow while taking out Yodoshi at the same time? At least that would serve a purpose. It would be "honorable," to quote our Japanese friends. This is just some writer's device shoved in at the end to achieve the desired final result.

Gabrielle's in tears, telling Xena, "I don't care. You're all that matters to me." Drop the ashes, Gabrielle. Drop the ashes! Drop the freakin' ashes!!! Xena tells her she's learned from their journeys the "final, good, the right thing to do." And this situation qualifies as which one of those? Final, yes, but good? Right? No. She's throwing her life away for nothing. For defending herself. It's pointless, and Xena's smart enough to know that, yet she just smiles down at Gabrielle like she's enjoying this. This is not the warrior princess. It's an imposter. Rob, R.J., who wrote this crap?

Gabrielle sits in resignation, and as Xena reassures her they'll always be together, the sun sets, Xena closes her eyes, and fades away, not even leaving a grin. We're left with Gabrielle, alone, tears running down her cheeks, shaking her head and muttering, "Xena." Kill me now, as Eve would say.

Later, we find Gabrielle, alone on the deck of a boat back to mainland Chin. Gabrielle is holding the urn. Don't drop it over the edge, Gabrielle! She tends to do that, you know (except last scene). She looks really happy, and says, "A life of journeying has brought you to the farthest lands, to the very edges of the earth." It sounds so pompous and stilted, not at all like Gabrielle speaking. But Xena appears again behind her. "And to the place where I'll always remain--your heart." At this point, I'm so totally numb, that line has no impact on me whatsoever. "So where to now?" Gabrielle is heading south to the land of the pharaohs. "I hear they need a girl with a chakram," Gabrielle says. "Where you go, I'm at your side," Xena replies. "I knew you'd say that," Gabrielle says, smiling. If you'd just tuned in, you'd think it was a happy ending, but Xena's DEAD!!! The camera pulls back, and we fade. Sorry, I don't buy it.

Let's assume Xena is dead as written. I've already said why this could be a good move. Is this how they would act? Have they ever let death defeat them? Gabrielle just instantly gives up and is all happy about it all. Let's go see Egypt again. She should be thrashing a bush with Katana. She should be scouring the earth for ways to bring Xena back. She should be distraught beyond belief, to the point where our hearts open up and spill blood for her suffering. She shouldn't be a happy face. Xena should be mad about paying such a high price to play the fall guy for Akemi's treachery. Xena's been up for trial before, and this was the flimsiest excuse yet. Yet, Xena just goes along with it, and pays the ultimate price. Simply disgusting. Is this the warrior princess we've come to know? Somebody has taken over Xena and Gabrielle's bodies. Did Lucy fall off another horse on the Tonight Show?

I don't think, as some do, that Gabrielle should've killed herself. At least they'd be in the spirit world together. But that would also betray Gabrielle's spirit. She's a survivor, not a quitter. Of course, so is Xena, and we saw where that got her. But she wouldn't just give up looking for a "cure." Plus, two wrongs don't make a right.

Another person suggested Xena's death would be mitigated by showing this as a flash back, Titanic style, so we could at least find solace in seeing how Gabrielle turned out, that she led a full, rewarding life. As outlined above, this would kill most chances of making a movie or series as that would lock in the direction of the show, allowing no future creativity. I want a Gabrielle series, and we'll find out her story ourselves!

You don't think Rob gave the fans what they wanted? Look at the evidence. Again, he's made a career out of taking fans for unexpected rides. Season six, as I've been complaining constantly in my reviews, has been one long kiss up to the fans. If the "fans" had their way, this show would've stopped growing around season three, and the franchise would be so rusty by now we'd be begging them to take it off the air. They gave us old guest stars coming back, lots of close Xena and Gabrielle bonding moments, a great trilogy based on mythology, a few continuity holes plugged, the return of Ares and Aphrodite to their rightful places, Gabrielle's "graduation" to full warrior princess status, the complete destruction and rebirth of the universe(!!!), and so on and so on. Then, just when you think he's going to pander a little further with a "nice" episode, he slips in a curve ball like this. This is pure "Xena: Warrior Princess." It was a ballsy story.

Anyway, there it is. The final episode. Like it or lump it. How to rate this? It was a solid five chakram episode until that ludicrous ending. That was a zero, but it was a small part of the show (although huge in repercussions). I'll give it a four chakram rating. It did have one thing we really needed about now. After getting guest stars up the wazoo this season, this final two-parter pretty much centered on Xena and Gabrielle. We had guest stars, but they were new, so they were able to give up center stage to the stars when necessary. Lucy and Renee both turned in career defining performances here, especially considering the difficulties this script must've entailed. And Rob filled me up with intense visuals. I won't forget Gabrielle and Xena's circus act, Xena's death/suicide in battle, Gabrielle making her first chakram toss, Yodoshi's first entrance. A beautiful, feature film worthy episode. Most importantly, Gabrielle ended up alive and cute as a button. Gabrielle, come back! Please!

I'm no writer, but I think there were other ways to kill Yodoshi, which makes the end that much more bittersweet. It was all so avoidable. Off the top of my head, why not train Akemi to kill Yodoshi since she's already a ghost? Harukata couldn't kill Yodoshi because he couldn't get close enough. Xena couldn't find a plan to immobilize Yodoshi while the Ghost Killer does his work? Couldn't the released souls absolve Xena of her so called duty? Surely they are grateful enough to give her a break. It's fiction. They could've written anything, but they chose this crap. But Rob's dealing a hand, and he's got his best poker face on. Not a great final show, but certainly an unforgettable final show.

It's been a real pleasure writing these reviews for all of you. I've never had a "readership" before, unless you count my days editing the high school newspaper! Xena has brought me a new sense of community, and a faith in doing right and finding my own Way. This show wasn't for women, it was for people. I will never forget it, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let four minutes of the show ruin 5 21/22 seasons. I hope you all come back in a couple of years when I write my first review of "Gabrielle: Girl With a Chakram!" Mark my words.

Thank you, Lucy. And, yes, thank you, Rob. And a big special thank you and love to Renee, for bringing the charming Gabrielle to life--I'll miss you most of all.
Rick(Gabriologist since the late 20th Century)
Visit my web site at www.ricks-studio.com for Episode Reviews,
Humorous Quotes, and other Xena-themed writing!

"Sometimes I don't understand Rick's fascination with me." --Gabrielle, on deck
"Just enjoy it, Gabrielle. After 'A Friend In Need II,' we need all the love we can get!" --Xena
"Xena! You're ali--" --Gabrielle, turning about in surprise
"Nope. Still dead." --Xena
"See, Rob, now the joke isn't funny anymore." --Rick, speaking to Rob Tapert