I recently read something that said Xena episodes could be broken into three types: drama, comedy, and adventure (which may or may not overlap). In this year of rewarmed leftovers, we had the final drama type two weeks ago with "When Fates Collide," then the final comedy type last week with "Many Happy Returns." This week? You guessed it--with "Soul Possession" they dive into a final adventure type story. Then, of course, the blockbuster two hour series finale type episode.

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Several other things I've mentioned recently crop up here as well. They serve up a few clips from previous episodes, they reuse several plot devices (in this case, we get a hodgepodge of "Send In the Clones," "Deja Vu All Over Again," the whole "Sacrifice/Adventures In the Sin Trade/Family Affair" arc). We get a second contemporary-era episode (not counting "You Are There" in which the modern intruded on the Mesopotamian) framing a story that should have been told three years ago. We've already gotten some flash-back type episodes this season for Borias and a major chunk of the Norse trilogy. Once more, I find myself crying out at the end of the show for a more original approach to the story telling. They're so busy catering to the fans, they can't find anything new to say. They are twenty-five years in their future, yet how many episodes this season actually occurred in that time frame? I hate to say it, but perhaps it's a good thing the show ends this year before it lives to disappoint us. It hasn't yet, but I'm just sayin'.

But there is reason to rejoice. After all, the things they are rehashing are the things that got us hooked on the show, and quite honestly, they continue to do it well. Who doesn't know by now that every episode will contain at least one tear-jerking heart-to-heart between our lovely heroines? Yet we fall for it every time--at least I do. And the biggest reason to rejoice is the appearance of Joxer in all his youthful, um, glory! Ted had a really atrocious role (which he did his best with) playing the prison guard in "Fates," and I hoped we wouldn't have to remember his final appearance that way. Instead, we get a buffoon who rises above himself for his true love and acts with incredible bravery standing up to the God of War. This is the Joxer I know and love.

And he appears right away with Xena in the opening segment. The two are standing high on a cliff overlooking the Ionian sea, famous for its miles of deep underwater caverns. Xena has some sort of contract which Joxer seems bent on destroying. "Ares made it--only Ares can destroy it," Xena tells him. She wants to hide it in one of the caverns. Joxer pulls a scroll out of his belt to wrap the contract in as further disguise. I hope that wasn't one of Gabrielle's scrolls he's taking liberties with! Xena puts the scrolls in a blue vase and dives into the sea.

We cut to bubbling water, and we think Xena's about to surface. But, no, it's two modern day scuba divers who have been searching for lost treasure. Yes, they found the blue vase and know it'll fetch "top dollar."

Who would pay for a grungy old vase? C.H.A.K.R.A.M. would. We see a sign attached to a lectern in a meeting hall. The "Centre (note the British spelling even though this is supposed to be America) for Historical Accuracy--Key Research in Ancient Mythology" is holding a press conference. How long did it take for the writers to think that one up?

A woman comes out to introduce the first speaker, Dr. Frederick Delaney (a tip of the hat to Sharon Delaney who runs the fan club?). He holds up a newly found scroll outlining a missing chapter in Xena's history. That must be the scroll Joxer rolled the contract into. As the press corps murmurs appreciatively, two hard core Xena fans (think "Send In the Clones") break in to stick their faces in the camera. They think this means Rob Tapert, who they address by name, will reconsider and do a season seven. They are summarily thrown out. I guess this means Mr. Tapert's answer is a firm, "No!" Tell me Rob didn't chuckle when they threw that in there! Dr. Delaney continues: "Xena was married...to Ares, God of War!" The reporters gasp as one in the foreground calls on his cell phone. "Doug, we got tomorrow's front page!"

I'm not quite sure what this bizarre stew of an introduction is, but it certainly left me wanting to find out a few things. One of their better pre-credits openings.

The first reporter with a question is from Barb Binder, the webmaster for Whoosh! She's played by Carly Binder, a New Zealand singer. What? The reporters begin to question the validity of his theory based on facts from the television show (based, as we know, on Gabrielle's scrolls). Xena and Ares married? Impossible! But Dr. Delaney continues on, placing the story after Gabrielle falls down the pit in "Sacrifice II" and Alti gives Xena her Gabrielle vision in "Sin Trade," and before Xena finds her again in "Family Affair." This is all accompanied by flashbacks any real fan has probably seen a zillion times before. Enough of the flashbacks! So the good doctor begins to read the scroll, and we get another flashback, but at least this is a new flashback!

Xena comes into a tavern to greet Joxer, sitting at the bar, with a warm, "Turn that frown upside down, mister. It's a beautiful morning!" I thought a smiley face had taken over Xena's body for a moment there! Joxer, stinking drunk, wants none of her cheer, content to wash away memories of "dead" Gabrielle with beer foam. Xena assures him she's had "a vision" that tells her Gabrielle's still alive. Naturally Joxer is skeptical. He was there and saw what she fell into. Ted's getting some great lines this time out. "You know Xena, denial ain't just a river in Europe." Xena: "The Nile's in Africa." Joxer: "It's that long?!" "Joxer!" Hilarious! Xena tells Joxer she's going to find "our friend" while he stays behind in a drunken stupor. Joxer tries to balance a mug on his head to show his lack of inebriation, and of course he's on the floor in a mere moment.

A tripping, burping, drunken Joxer is following Xena down a trail, singing to himself. He breaks into a slurry version of "Joxer the Mighty," but when he gets to the line about Gabby "fighting with her little stick," he breaks down and blubbers, "She ain't got no stick no more." Poor guy.

At this point, notice that Xena clearly is wearing the new, two piece chakram at her belt. I don't believe that Xena gets her new chakram for at least another year after this time frame.

Break back into current time, as Annie Day interrupts the reading. Is this a reference to Renee's role as Sunny Daye in Hercules? I don't believe she had a last name in "Deja Vu," so that's new. Yes, it's Lucy playing Annie, the reincarnation of Joxer from "Deja Vu." She's now editor-in-chief of the Joxer the Mighty Quarterly. She claims to be an expert on Joxer studies, and she claims her research shows that Joxer pulled Xena out of the drunken stupor, resulting in the finding of Gabrielle. As she says this, being Joxer reincarnated and all, she begins to beam with pride and hold herself up straighter. The doctor assures her that never, in any of the Xena Scrolls, does it indicate Joxer ever flexed a heroic muscle. Annie's heartbroken at this cold rejection of her hero, and as she sinks face down back into her seat, someone pelts her with a paper wad! I have to say the guy was rather brusque, hardly a Xena expert. Joxer has shown bravery on a great many occasions, usually due to trying to live up to Xena or Gabrielle's expectations of him. Heck, he'll show himself capable of bravery in this very scroll!

The two Xena fans thrown out earlier have snuck back in, and as the room takes a break, they approach Annie to tease her about her Joxer heritage. "Hey, Joxer was no fool," Annie tells them. "The guy they got to play him was a goofball, that's all! He was the producer's brother, for crying out loud!" The lines are funny enough, but Lucy really hams it up here, like she's discussing a matter of life and death! As the three talk further, we find out that Harry and Mattie "got hitched" after the events in "Deja Vu." That pretty much removes any pretense of subtext, it seems to me, by simply eliminating the whole concept. Man and woman, husband and wife, in and out. Annie begins to sob as the fans run out to tell everyone about Xena and Gabrielle finally being together. "But I read his scrolls..." she cries into her ever-present Kleenex. I'm guessing she read some scrolls Joxer wrote later, retelling the Xena tales with himself as the star, just as he told Virgil, his son, such tales. Somehow, Annie's got them now and accepting them as gospel. The original Joxer may have been a bumbling idiot, but he was never a sobbing introverted mess like Annie's reincarnated Joxer. Still funny though!

Back in olden times, Joxer is telling Xena he's cleaned up his act and is going to take over Gabrielle's role as chronicler of Xena's adventures. He's begun his first scroll, telling of Gabrielle's recent death. As he reads, the prose seems to be more concerned with Joxer's bulging muscles than the adventure he's describing. Xena pulls the scroll away from him and reads the next line. "And the light played on his steely, sun-kissed buttocks?" she says incredulously. She gives her review through her facial expression, simply slamming the scroll back into Ted's stomach and intoning, "Gabrielle, where are you now?" The writers are giving Ted some great material to work with here. Xena tells Joxer she's heading back to the temple where Gabrielle disappeared. She figures that's where she can pick up the trail, cold as it is. Joxer, despite his desire to help Xena, is still doubting Xena's vision.

After telling Joxer she's going to "the ladies'," (no "room?"), she actually sneaks off to think. Joxer is probably doing a lot to disturb her thought processes. I was surprised to hear her say, "Gabrielle, we're not doing so good without you, but I'm going to keep looking 'til I find you, I promise." I thought she's doing pretty well, so far, considering she's just started this new search. But it's a touching thought, as we might expect.

This brings in Ares (dressed in period garb with the long hair and pinstripe beard), who wants to know if Xena is "still holding out Hope." How many times have they used this word, not in reference to Hope, and it always sounds creepy. Here, Ares finally uses it on purpose, and scores a point. "Oops, poor choice of words," Ares sniggers, obviously knowing what he's said. He seems to speak as though he has some ace up his sleeve, something that will counteract all the abuse he's heaving on her now. He seems to also feel that Gabrielle is alive, and he says he can help Xena search by using his god powers to cover many times the ground she can as a mortal. Xena wants to know what's in it for Ares. He says he's had trouble expressing his feelings in the past. He drops to one knee, spreads out his arms, and says, "Will you marry me?" His eyebrows rise up (with appropriate sound effects) and a grin appears. He's trying to look like a guy you'd want to take home to mother. Sorry, Ares, but you still look like a weasel (no offence to weasels the world over). Very funny setup.

Xena, now clearly wearing her original one piece chakram (which matches this time frame), answers him with a vicious kick. "So you say you're needing more time, right?" he replies from the ground. "I despise you! You've been tormenting me for years!" Xena cries during a full out assault on Ares. "That was just foreplay," he says playfully. The two fight a bit, trading kicks and witty repartee, until Ares asks what he can do to prove he's serious. "Die," is Xena's immediate reply. As much as he'd like to oblige her, he is, after all, a god and not prone to such things as death. Then, without waiting for Xena to provide another method to prove his worth, he suddenly comes to the conclusion what he needs is "a wedding gift. Say Gabrielle." Ares obviously has the opinion Gabrielle can be retrieved since he's staking such an important deal on it. Xena's starting to put it together, too, as we'll see later. To counteract his reputation as "a trickster," he says he'll marry Xena "in front of the Fates." Joseph LoDuca provides very serious music here, so we know that's a big deal, although the details are still rather vague.

Joxer and Xena are again walking through the woods, where Xena explains to him how no one married in front of the Fates can cause harm to their spouse or loved ones without bringing harm on themselves as well. It's eternal and unbreakable, meaning he could not harm herself or Gabrielle ever again. Joxer still has doubts about this, but for once, Xena chimes up in Ares' defense. At least he's willing to admit Gabrielle may be alive. Joxer shuts his yap and follows along, looking unconvinced about Gabrielle but willing to follow Xena to the grave (which is actually sort of what happens to him eventually!).

The next scene is really bizarre. We hear Gabrielle calling to Xena during the night, and she follows the voice to find Joxer at the other end of a trick megaphone. Or perhaps it's an early version of a sampler? He's trying to make it sound like Gabrielle's wanting Xena to give up the search. Surely by now he knows he's no match for the Warrior Princess in a battle of wits, and here Xena drubs him with, "Idiot!" and crowns him with the megaphone, thus inventing the "dunce cap."

After noticing a distinct lack of Renee O'Connor in this episode, to the point where I was wondering if she'd show up at all, suddenly we see Mattie and Harry drive up in front of the clinic from "Deja Vu." We get a brief glimpse of kinda what it'd be like had Xena been a male figure, as Harry and Mattie flirt in the car, just back from a romantic vacation in Greece. I just love the way Harry uses little terms of endearment for Mattie, like here where he addresses her as "Pumpkin" (Xena always calls her "Gabrielle," never Gabs, Gabbie, or any pet name). Reminds me of his character from "Married With Fishsticks" ("my little sea urchin," et al). They even playfully meow at each other and display their "claws." No subtext here. What a cute couple. Ted Raimi looks simply dashing as the self-confident future Xena. He does have a slight gastric problem from the foreign food.

Mattie checks the mail. Of course they're on the CHAKRAM mailing list, and when Harry hears about the lost scroll, he immediately realizes what it is. The two give each other quick glances, as if glad to be able to spring into action like the old days. They jump back in the car and squeal off as we hear typical music from a TV action show. So, no Renee in the past (lots of talk about her), but we get her as Mattie tonight. She really looks adorable bopping around in her neo-hippie clothes, long hair, and head band. Very clever scene.

Meanwhile, in the long ago past, Xena calls up Ares. She just doesn't think they'd look right together on top of a wedding cake. Ares replies, "Just as long as you look right on top of me." Woah! That's pretty racy there, and totally not what he needs to say to win her hand! Xena tells him she'd do anything to get Gabrielle back--even marry him. The answer is, "Yes." Umm, right. Normally Xena won't let herself get into a situation like this unless it plays into her hands. I assume she knows what she's doing. Obviously, the two weren't married when "Family Affair" aired, so I'm guess it's safe to let your breath out here.

Xena: The Last Battleground. So announces the "coming next week" blurb. Unfortunately, the narration is so vague and the actual clips so few and short, it's hard to know what to expect from the last two hours. They seem to want us to think it's a Cecil B. DeMille production with a cast of thousands. Perhaps they're going to Xenasize "Ben Hur." Just kidding. Let's just hope they do something original for a change going down this home stretch.

Anyway, Ares immediately wants to "jump to the honeymoon." This immediately gives us a great window into his true intentions. He's showing no sympathy at all to Xena's feelings about all this. He's got her right where he wants her, but he's too self-centered to know how to drive it home. Once they're husband and wife, he'd have plenty of time to woo her over, but I don't think sensitivity is in him. Not at this point. When he gives up his powers to save Gabrielle and Eve, we begin to think perhaps he's matured, but that's years away from this story line.

In another continuity glitch, Ares refers to splitting up "China" with Xena. It's "Chin," people. In this show, it's "Chin." Can't believe they did that. Then again, the chakram switcheroo was pretty unclued as well. I'm kind of surprised we didn't get "new" Ares with the short hair instead of the proper one for this story.

Xena, in an interesting speech (and calculated before hand, we'll come to find out), demands they be married in the temple where Gabrielle did or didn't die. Ares finds this a bit morbid. Since when was he squeamish about such things? Xena explains that she wants to be as close as possible to the one she wanted to spend her life with, even as she gives herself to the one she'd least like to spend her life with. Ah, delicious irony! Again showing a total lack of understanding, Ares brushes this insult off as a result of premarital jitters. Xena simply fumes.

Joxer, alone in a closed tavern, calls for Ares. Once he calls the God of War "Jellybutt," the god shows up. No, Joxer meant "buns of steel." We don't see Joxer playing opposite Ares too often in this show, and it's interesting to watch these two interact. Joxer has brought Ares there for a bachelor party. After all, if he's going to marry Xena, best to do it proper! He brings in three pretty women who arrange themselves around Ares to coo and rub him sensually. Joxer does a witty rap introducing the women as though in a beauty pageant. Ares, unimpressed with mere mortal women, save one, sends them packing and starts off to sign his "pre-nup." Ha ha!

Joxer has one last ploy to tempt Ares and distract him from his plan. At least I guess that's what he's trying to do. Surely nothing here would tempt him away from Xena? He rolls in a big three layer cake, out of which pops a woman with a war cry and whip cream bikini--not much else but a couple of cherries placed you know where. By the gods, it's Xena! Now what's she thinking? But she begins to sing with a certain expression on her face, and we realize it's Meg, moonlighting as a stripper for some extra cash. Apparently, Joxer ordered the cake from somewhere else, as he's also surprised to see his squeeze show up in this fashion. A typical male. He wants some succulent young girl to pop out and gratify him, but not if it's someone he cares about. I digress. Meg, showing her usual linguistic skills, manages to spell Ares in her song as "A.R.S.E." I believe that's normally interpreted as "ass." Good one! But once she sees Joxer, she stops, and Ares decides it's time to pop out.

Joxer gives Meg a flask for her thirst. She belts a few down, and then Joxer says a classy lady like her shouldn't be here. He's going to take her away. Meg immediately wants to know what's happened to "your other good friend, Gabrielle?" The jealousy drips from her voice. Lucy's really getting into the role, you can tell. Even Ted looks like he's about to crack up any second. Joxer tells her about Gabrielle's death, only to have Meg toast to it. She says, "Dead is dead. You can't change that." An actual thought forms in Joxer's brain, and he says he can try to change it. He purposefully strides off to find Xena.

Speaking of jealousy, back in the present, Annie's been tearing up again, and she stuffs her used Kleenex in her watch band--eww. Harry and Mattie arrive at the conference and sit behind Annie. Annie greets them with, "Harry and Harry's ho." Oh, yeah! Tell me she's not bitter about Mattie stealing her boyfriend, destiny or no. We see a very edgy version of Annie here, and it gives her character a complexity and humanity we don't really share with doppelgangers Harry and Mattie, who seem to live in some perfect Xenafied world. Harry tells Annie he knows enough about the scroll to know how it turns out. Her hilarious reply is, "Don't ruin it for me. I hate it when people blab the spoilers!" This present day stuff is just hilarious. Interesting how the comedy is in one time frame, but the flashbacks to the "wedding" are very dramatic (although not without much humor laced in the dialogue here as well). You would think that would make for a jarring juxtaposition, but as usual, they make it work.

Ares, Harry feels, is bound to make an appearance. We cut to a black clad man on a black motorcycle speeding along a road. The flowers he passes wither and die before the sound of the motorcycle even fades away. Harry appears to be right! Since when did Ares have this affect on vegetation? I love it!

Then we get a Xena/Gabrielle quiet talk. No, make that a Xena/Joxer quiet talk this week. And it's quite a beautiful moment between them. Joxer comes in to Xena's dressing room as she sits forlornly in her wedding gown. He's taken aback by how beautiful she looks, considering everything. Joxer makes one last attempt to dissuade Xena from the marriage, but she claims she doesn't know what else to do. Actually, she just doesn't want to tell him what else she will do. Her devotion to this path finally turns Joxer around, and he tells Xena if she believes it, so does he. He tosses the bottle aside to break on the floor (was this role originally written for Meleager the Mighty?).

Then, in a heart breaking scene, Joxer says he still wants to uphold a tradition in the face of all the change going on around them. He gives Xena a lock of Gabrielle's hair for something old. When did Gabrielle have that much hair cut off? After "The Way," maybe, but perhaps Joxer braided it together or something. Xena admits not knowing what to say, her eyes welling up. Something new: a pretty flower, the first bloom of the season. Xena smiles at him. For something borrowed, he gives her his lucky rabbit's foot, which he made himself. By this point, Xena looks so proudly at Joxer--I just hope he didn't miss it! "I guess we need something blue now, huh?" Xena pitches in. Joxer says, "That's easy. That's me." You can just feel the pain and unrequited love in him, and it's just terrible. That such a nice, big hearted guy has to carry such a burden is just wrong. I hope Meg finally gave him some peace of mind in later years. Xena gives him a big hug, promising him it'll all be fine, although she sure looks dubious.

Xena comes out for the wedding in a slinky white wedding dress which, while backlit, shows us how tall and thin she is. Ares greets her with, "You are absolutely breathtaking." True enough, but Xena, firing bullets with her eyes, asks him, "Then how come you're still breathing?" Ares smirks, as if to say, what else did you expect? The Fates begin the ceremony. Ares agrees to marry Xena. Xena says, "I do--" ...looooooooooooong pause... "--not! That's a promise I just couldn't keep." Xena grabs the marriage contract from the table and runs to the edge of the pit that claimed Gabrielle. "I'm coming, Gabrielle," she whispers. She had this planned all along, I swear! Ares appears to tell her not to temp the Fates. She whips off the gauzy part of her dress, emits a lungful of war cry, and throws herself down the hole. Joxer runs up and looks down. "Xena? Noooooooooooo!" he cries out. Now he's seen both his best friends go to their doom here. He must've felt like the world opened up to swallow him at this point. Joxer pulls his sword to charge Ares. Foolhardy, but brave! Ares simply disappears, leaving Joxer to run full on into the stone wall, taking himself out of the picture.

We see Xena still hurtling head-first down the volcanic hole. Ares appears below her and catches her in mid air. Gods do that kind of stuff, you know. Rather than return to the temple, he transports them to a clearing in some trees.

This leads to the Sherlock Holmes part, where she finally lays the whole thing out in front of Ares, showing him she's on to his whole scheme. And what a scheme! Xena always wondered why Ares didn't save Hope since she was carrying his baby when she fell in the pit. The answer: he did save her, then hid her away. She deduces that Ares would've saved Gabrielle, too, as long as he was saving folks. After all, he could use her as a bargaining chip just as he's doing here, playing out his hand. And the Fates wedding thing not only would've prevented him from harming Xena or her loved ones, it would've prevented Xena from harming Hope, once that secret got out. All she had to do was play out the scenario she did, and if she was right, Ares would've acted, well, just like he did here. But Xena, what if you realize you were wrong as you hurtle to your death in the volcano? It's easy for her to say now!

Ares tells her she's missing one small piece of the puzzle. He claims Gabrielle gave her soul to Ares in order for Hope to be saved. Continuity wise, I again had my doubts about this. By the time of this flashback, Gabrielle had pretty well concluded herself that Hope was beyond redemption and even wished her dead in "Family Affair." Heck, she's even tried to poison her already. I don't think she would've done this, but it's important for the plot, as it still gives Ares power over Xena, despite her realization of his plans. But he's willing to rewrite the terms as part of the new marriage contract. What a schemer!

Ares strangely agrees to let Gabrielle live in this life, but the contract will stipulate that in their next lives, and forever after that, Xena will be his. Meanwhile, he'll leave the two alone until they live out the normal course of their current lives. Xena, still holding the marriage contract she grabbed earlier, hands it to Ares with a look of disgust mixed with frustration. Ares smirks that she's all his now, and tucks the document in the back of his pants.

Xena asks about the other half of the deal. Where's Gabrielle? Oh, Ares let her go. She's alive and free, but Xena's left to find her. What a guy! Then, he pushes a bit too far once again, asking Xena what her reaction would have been had he asked to marry her with no strings attached. What an idiot! She'd bash him a good one like she did earlier this episode. But no, she gives him a big, wet kiss! "I guess you'll never know," she teases him before pulling away. This is so out of character for her, Ares should've realized she's up to something, but he's not thinking with his brain at this point. "Call me," he squeaks before disappearing. Xena turns away, revealing she's used the kiss to distract Ares from her taking the marriage contract out of his belt. Excellent turn of events.

As we saw earlier, she and Joxer then rolled the document in Joxer's scroll and hid it in the Ionian caves. Dr. Delaney holds the scroll out to the cheering crowd. "We got to it first!"

Cue Ares' entrance through the doors on a motorcycle. "First, second, what does it matter? It's mine now!" he says, grinning. The female host asks Delaney if he's scheduled any celebrity appearances. "We contacted Bruce Campbell, but he wanted too much money." Hilarious! And, by the way, where's Bruce Campbell's final appearance?

Meanwhile, as we smell the final fight scene building up, we see Mattie and Annie discussing how all Ares needs is Xena/Harry's fingerprint on the contract. Excuse me, but didn't she already fingerprint it way back when? It's already valid, seems to me. But in this story, it needs to be revalidated. I guess if Harry cut all his fingers off and destroyed them, Ares contract would be void! Meanwhile, where's Harry at their moment of crisis? Remember that foreign food? Harry's in the can. So the two girls run up to Ares, Annie waving her fists in a pitiful attempt to look dangerous. "Oh, the sidekick and the comic relief! This oughta be good!" he chuckles. "I don't appreciate being called a sidekick," Mattie says waving her head impudently. Ares takes them both out with one punch.

Ares approaches Dr. Delany, who's holding the contract and shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. He takes the paper and tells the man to "leave quickly," which he does while screaming like he's been really hurt! As Ares prepares to read, Harry walks in. Ares spins and does a James Brown impression, saying he's Xena/Harry's "soul man." Perhaps it's just me, but it kind of creeped me out seeing Ares come on so strong with--Joxer! Somebody needs to sort out this gender stuff, and Ares uses his power to put them back in their proper bodies. Funny to hear Ted's version of the Xena war cry!

Mattie, now looking much better to Ares, tosses aside her glasses and shy demeanor to attack Ares. He manages to throw her off, only to begin taunting Mattie. She grabs a microphone stand for a little impromptu staff work before Ares takes her out too. Joxer, again displaying incredible bravery in the face of the God of War, attacks only to be thrown headfirst into the wall. His head goes through, and he's stuck for the duration of the battle. Mattie jumps up to exclaim, "Workin' out the bugs," grab a sword off the floor, and attacks Ares in earnest now. As the two battle, Annie picks up a scroll and reads, "...sun-kissed buttocks..." Wrong parchment. She picks up the other one. A bit more sword play results in them both unarmed, and Ares is reduced to having to use his fireball throwing powers. As he fires ball after ball at Annie, she jumps around the walls and ceiling like she's right out of "Cleopatra 2525." Gosh, what a horrible comparison! The two fans from earlier are complaining that the "special effects" are "cheesy." Good one! Finally, Ares throws off one more fireball, only to have Annie hold the contract out in front of it. Since he made it, only he can destroy it, which is what happens here. Ares: "Un-freakin'-believable!" Ares tells Xena she may have won the battle, but he'll win the war. Until next time, and he disappears. Anybody picture Ares showing up in a reunion movie?

Annie and Mattie, now fully in Xena and Gabrielle mode, embrace and marvel at their ability to stay together no matter what. Harry/Joxer wants to know if there's anything he should know about this new body of his. Seems he's taking this turn of events pretty well. "Don't stray too far from the bathroom," Annie advises him. Sound effects, right on cue!

Well, I can't say I really followed how this all works. If this happened as shown, wouldn't Ares still have his original contract for Gabrielle's soul? Even if he couldn't find his marriage contract, surely he'd use the Gab contract to extort things from Xena in the future, which we've seen he never does. He obviously knows, like Xena does, that the contract exists and is not capable of being destroyed, so why isn't he out looking for it instead of spending further years in a doomed quest for Xena's hand. Surely in some of their private talks, Ares and Xena would've referred to this event at times. And after he thought Xena and Gabrielle dead and buried in the ice cave, why didn't he go looking for the contract then. He would have believed Xena could be reincarnated at any time, and then she's all his. Instead, he goes after Livia. But that's made up for by the innovative way they showed how Gabrielle and Hope survived their fall (although, as I recall, Hope claimed her survival was Dahak's work).

Given all this, the episode is actually rather enjoyable. As with many of their action/adventure shows, a certain suspension of critical thought is required to fully surrender to the frenzied rush of the episode. Joxer shines mightily, Renee makes a darling Mattie, and Lucy has a riot playing several characters. Ares is almost a guaranteed hit just by his appearance. I didn't quote a lot of the dialogue above, since it will be more enjoyable to hear it yourself. But the one consistent factor in the show was the usual touch with witty dialogue. The whole episode is well-written, from that standpoint. And the music is great, as usual. However, the inconsistencies I outlined above tended to draw me out of the action for a moment and become a bit distracting. It was also burdened with that recycled feel that has been so prevalent of late. I would have much preferred a fresh episode this close to the end, not the mish mash of old episodes we get here. And if I seem picky here, it's only because the show itself has upheld such a standard of excellence that I'm feeling a bit shorted in comparison. This show didn't get where it is by pandering to the fans. Rather, they have always surprised them with the unexpected. As I said before, this story should have been told three years ago. They pull it off, but not by much. I'll give it three and a half chakrams out of five. Let's hope for an ass-kicking finale.
Rick(Gabriologist since the late 20th Century)
Visit my web site at www.ricks-studio.com for Episode Reviews,
Humorous Quotes, and other Xena-themed writing!

"Oh, no, Xena! You're back in Annie's body!" --Mattie
"I thought you preferred me as a female." --Annie
"But I was just getting used to your new 'skills!'" --Mattie