Whew! That was a lot of Xena watching to do after my vacation, but I believe this review of "Many Happy Returns" catches me up. And just in time for the third to last hour of the show being broadcast here later this evening. But enough serious stuff--we have a comic romp to savor this week!

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After the incredible drama of last week, where the writers once again mined morally muddy waters and very big ideas, I was expecting some sort of resolution to the mysterious ending of the show, in which a strangely muted Xena and Gabrielle walk off into a misty forest of an unknown reality. Instead, we get no mention of it, and instead are given a "Day In the Life"-style episode full of ripe "little moments" and wry comedy. I guess Xena was right last week when she said everything happened as it should. They are once again back twenty five years in their future, everything like normal.

It's a flat out comedy this week, and any mention of such dark things would've been out of place. Instead, we get the marvelous comic stylings of Aphrodite, who brings the same magic to the comedy episodes that Kevin Smith does to the dramatic ones. Here, there is no black-clad goddess helplessly watching Gabrielle die, no human ungoddess slowly dissolving under the aging process. We get Aphrodite in full flight, circa season two or three. She's self possessed, she means well but screws things up with her love spells, and she throws slang like Xena throws a chakram. And that smile/scrunch-of-the-nose/giggle thing she does is second only to Renee (Renee uses the giggle-less version, but compensates with more nose scrunch). Truly she is one of the most amazing characters ever to inhabit a television series or two.

Just like "Day," this has a running gag with Gabrielle trying to guess Xena's birthday present for her, just as they were playing that word game before. Yes, it's Gabrielle's birthday, for the second time in the series. None for Xena. I feel it's safe to assume Xena's birthday therefore occurs sometime during the summer rerun season. But it's such fun to see the women teasing each other in such a relaxed manner. There's that chemistry again, and it suffuses the entire episode.

It seems there's a "tradition" of pulling pranks on the birthday girl. Is that a Greek tradition, a tradition Xena got from her family, or something the two just made up recently. Certainly we have seen several characters have birthdays, and no overt mention of pranks was made (unless you count Callisto's adventure at Hercules' birthday a "prank"). But it makes a good hook for a comedy episode as well as giving Renee a chance to display her extreme cuteness. She begs and pleads with Xena to leave her out this year until she finally balls up her fists, stomps her feet, and jumps about excitedly. How could Xena say no? But she crosses her fingers even as she tells Gabrielle there'll be no pranks.

We find out that they have the helmet of Hermes with them. They are taking it to Thebes to give to a king for his coronation. It's kept in a bag most of the time. Gabrielle now thinks her present is in Thebes.

Xena begins her pranks off with an old classic: she gets Gabrielle to look through a telescope only to leave her eye blackened. It probably doesn't sound all that funny, but something about seeing her, all blond and fair-haired with a big black circle around her eye just cracks me up. Looks like one of those dogs with a big black eye spot.

We cut to a scene of Zealots (as we find out later) about to make a virgin sacrifice. They plan to use a contraption to drop a young girl over a cliff into the crashing sea and rocks below. Flashback to the second Hercules movie ("Lost Kingdom") in which we meet an incredibly young Renee O'Conner as the sacrifice. Of course, we wouldn't be seeing this if Xena didn't just happen to wander by just in time to stop the girl's death. Being religious fanatics, they of course decide to cut down Xena in order to proceed with their duty. During the obligatory fight, a priest manages to drop the girl from the sacrificial altar.

We've seen Xena dive after falling bodies before, but this time all she's got is a helmet to protect herself. Turns out, Hermes' helmet allows the wearer to fly, so Xena makes like Superman, reenacting a bit of the film when Superman rescues Lois Lane the same way. She even holds her arms and bends one leg a bit like Christopher Reeve. She carries the girl off far enough that the Zealots can't find them and sets her down. The girl has a normal reaction: "Oh divine presence, as you have made yourself manifest, take they humble servant Genia to thy bosom!" She hugs Xena and puts her head on Xena's, well, bosom! Xena replies, in the best line of the episode, "It's spoken for." Absolutely hilarious! Of course, this also echoes the setup in "Warrior...Priestess...Tramp" with Lucy playing Leah, virgin priestess of Hestia. There isn't anything here quite as funny as that scene in the cave in which Leah first discovers what heathens Xena and Gabrielle are, but it still plays fresh and funny here. Katie Stuart hits just the right note as a vapid ball of energy wanting someone to tell her what to do.

Anyway, she thinks Xena's a god who's saved her for some higher purpose. When Xena shows her that her powers came from a magic helmet, Genia then feels cheated. She's spent her whole life trying to be the best darned virgin sacrifice she can be, and now it's all ruined!

Gabrielle runs up with her eye still black. Genia blows the joke by asking about it, and Gabrielle isn't amused. "Are you sure you're not a god?" Genia asks Xena. Gabrielle, obviously pissed, cuts in. "If she were a god, then I couldn't do this--" She painfully pulls Xena's nose. "--or that--" She gooses Xena, causing her to jump up is surprise. "--or this--" She starts to punch Xena, only to have Xena grab her fist. "Alright, you've made your point," Xena says. Gabrielle just manages to squeak out a submissive "okay" as Xena squeezes her hand. I could watch scenes like this all day.

Xena and Gabrielle decide a good way to show Genia the error of her thinking is to let her learn about the gods she wants to die for. Not many gods left to show her, but, hey, Aphrodite's kind of a pal now, certainly Gabrielle's best friend outside Xena. They know that's not what Genia expects.

We see a scene of the Zealots preparing to hunt for Genia. It takes a lot of training to become a virgin sacrifice, and they don't want to waste one! But they are nothing compared to the final villain to enter this week's picture. Apparently, the Zealots need a sacrifice so their gods will protect them from the warlord Ferragus.

Ferragus is played in totally over the top fashion by Hori Ahipene. As I recall, he played a pirate or something in Jack of All Trades. He's the same character here, only as a warlord. He's loud and obnoxious, and you can almost feel the spit flying through the air as he rampages about the set every time he's on. I saw a few things on the internet from people who had negative reactions to his character, but in an energetic episode like this, I'd rather have someone going flat out like this than underplaying the role and turning out a wimp. In a drama, it would indeed be too much, but here in a comedy, it provides the same sort of loony chaos you find in a good Marx Brothers movie. He's almost a living cartoon, and his character is all the sillier in contrast to his clean-cut preppy son Frankus, who provides the love interest for Genia later (think "Chariots of War").

Frankus comes in to report to his father. "Waste of a perfectly good virgin," Ferragus notes. After giving a description of Xena, Ferragus reacts as someone with prior Xena experience: "Xena! Warrior pain in my ass!!!" he bellows. Despite his idiotic exterior, he's smart enough to recognize the helmet of Hermes, and now he's going after it too. Look out, Xena. Trouble's coming from every direction.

A predestined classic scene unfolds. The trio, including Genia, arrives at a camp spot beside a pond and waterfall. Xena throws Genia a bedroll and tells her to make up her spot. Of course, it's just a matter of rolling out a few blankets, and when Genia turns around, she finds Xena and Gabrielle's bedrolls already laid out, but the fire is made, a kettle is on, and Argo's unsaddled. I swear Argo has an expression that says, "Yeah, so what?" These ladies sure have perfected the art of camping during the last six years! Then Genia glances up at Xena's cry of, "Last one in's a centaur dropping!" The two again expose their backsides briefly as they dive in for some skinny dipping. This is simply more than the young virgin can handle, and she prefers to watch the "bushes" rather than join in. Good pun there! And wait--Argo's back! Where the heck has she been the last few episodes?

This leads into a campfire scene. Genia realizes that the delicious fish she just ate is one of god's creatures. For penance, she's going to sleep on the cold, hard ground. Gabrielle, scraping at a dirty pan, displays her most sarcastic side, saying, "You know, a better penance would be to clean the frying pan." Xena manages to ease the girl's conscience by asking her why god made fish taste so good if he didn't want you to eat them. Xena and Gabrielle exchange cute "can't argue with that" looks.

Later that night, Gabrielle is awakened by Xena's "cold, clammy feet." She almost acts like that's a common occurrence. How close do they sleep around that campfire? Turns out it's a slimy eel that Xena's tucked in with the bard, another round in the battle of birthday pranks. I notice that when Gabrielle jumps up in alarm, she chases off the eel, but never resorts to screaming "like a girl." You know, when women scream in movies like they are witless banshees? She's too real for that. But then we find Xena practically beside herself with the giggles, convulsing under her blanket, which equally tickled my funny bone. We haven't seen Xena this playful in ages, if at all, and it certainly is a side that becomes her. If this is what their daily interaction is like, it's no wonder Gabrielle finds her so attractive.

The next day during Xena's morning bath in the pool, Gabrielle moves her clothes and rigs it up so that when Xena picks them up, it releases a bucket of fish guts to land on her head. Payback's a bitch, eh? As with most times Gabrielle gets one up on Xena, we aren't sure if it's because Gabrielle is good/lucky, or whether Xena let her do it. Here, Xena's making faces before she picks up her clothes as if she knows something's going on. Even Gabrielle is surprised that Xena's super reflexes weren't enough to save her from an actual dousing in fish guts. "Xena, you can catch arrows!" she exclaims. "Happy birthday, Gabrielle," she says, again as if she let her have that one. But then she says the game has just begun! Now Gabrielle's worried.

The girls take Genia to Aphrodite's temple where she perceives it as a "pure and holy place." Boy, does this girl lead a sheltered life! 'Dite pops in, complete with male escorts, and immediately quips, "Well, if it isn't my favorite girl group!" By this time, Alex simply inhabits this role as though she actually is the goddess, and she gives a tour de force here. As her boys work her over, she oohs and aahs sensually as the virginal Genia looks on in something between amazement and horror!

'Dite immediately starts tossing out incredible one liners. Introduced to the virgin, Genia says, "I don't believe it." Aphrodite shoots back with, "I don't either. I thought you guys were extinct." It just keeps rolling from there as she remembers Gabby's birthday. Squealing with delight, she gives her a big hug, only to ask, "What is that awful smell?" They all look at Xena. Apparently, fish guts is the type of gift that keeps on giving. The dialogue is scintillating.

Hearing that they're going to Thebes, 'Dite assumes they're going to see the Sappho performance. Yes, Xena's gift is out of the bag, but Gabrielle is delighted at the prospect. Sounds like a girls' night out.

We see several scenes showing how the potential for Xena pulling a prank reduces Gabrielle to state of paranoia. Anything Xena offers her, from a skin of water to a piece of fruit, is refused. She sees arsenic and dribble cups everywhere! Gabrielle then looks on in frustration as the item is used by others with no harmful effect. Poor Gabrielle!

Meanwhile, Aphrodite is trying to show the skeptical Genia that she is really a god. Genia feels that 'Dite's feats are mere party tricks. The goddess makes herself a copy of the bag containing Hermes' helmet to use as a handbag, then produces a red rose from out of thin air. 'Dite feels that rewarding the faithful and punishing sinners, as Genia wants her to do, is out of her line.

The group heads off to Thebes, refusing Aphrodite's offer to just pop them there so that Genia can have more time with the goddess. Aphrodite thinks having a virgin in the city is so "cute." She takes her off to show her around. We spot Frankus in the crowd watching Genia.

Cut to a tavern (called "Suds and Boar" from the sign) to see Gabrielle crestfallen at having to miss the Sappho show. Seems Xena got the times wrong, but she looks like that may just be a front for something more she has planned. When Xena goes to get food, she asks Gabrielle to hold the bag with the helmet. But she talks to Aphrodite, and it seems Xena switched bags with 'Dite, so Gab is actually holding 'Dite's belongings with the goddess holding the helmet. Confusing? Don't even try to follow where the helmet is this episode. Like a shell game, it always seems to be not where you think it is. Half the time, it's not where Xena thinks it is either! Anyway, since Xena didn't let her in on the swap, she thinks it's part of Xena's birthday hijinx.

Cue Ferragus' entrance with his evil troops. "Ferragus," Xena acknowledges flatly. "So you remember me. Must've made quite an impression," he states, flattered, puffing up even more. "It's on your belt buckle," Xena says, deflating him promptly. Ferragus tells her he wants the helmet, but he's not going to pay for it. "Oh, you'll pay," Xena says with a confident smile. I think she lives for this stuff! And all hell breaks loose as Genia and Aphrodite cower for cover until Xena tells 'Dite to pop herself and Genia to safety. And don't forget the handbag she reminds them. "Like I'd leave behind a new handbag!" Aphrodite says. Turns out this teleportation trick finally convinces Genia that she's a god after all.

The ensuing fight is mainly played for laughs, with plenty of slapstick and funny noises thrown in. There is a lot of punching, pushing, and bottles breaking over heads, but nothing like gory stabbings and such. One of the helmet-style bags lands in front of Ferragus, who immediately grabs it and runs off. Gabrielle runs up to alert Xena just as she punches a soldier out. The guy holds out his hand with a bottle in it. Xena grabs the bottle from him just as he falls and she takes a deep swig. She's not worried. She knows the real helmet is safe with Aphrodite. Gabrielle says she switched them back in the market place. Xena sputters her last sip all over the floor (a simply perfect double take by Lucy here). Gabrielle admits she thought she was trying to foul up a birthday prank, and rather than getting mad, as she once would have, Xena stoically says, "I asked for that."

Back outside, Xena calls for Aphrodite. She appears with young Genia in tow. Genia's been given the total Aphrodite fashion treatment. Lots of pink frilly clothes, creamy skin, drinks in coconuts, and long blond curls. Creation needs to offer an 8x10 of these two standing side by side. Seems Genia has simply traded one god in for another, and Xena's got to rethink her plan here. She and Gabrielle run off to take care of more pressing matters. Genia wonders how she can worship the Goddess of Love when she's never experienced love. Good question. Aphrodite doesn't want her to be a "poser," so she asks Genia to pick a cute guy from the crowd. As if you didn't know it was coming, she spots Frankus watching her, and next thing you know, there's a love spell cast on the cute pair with predictable results: they act like total idiots and run to tell his father, Ferragus. Aphrodite sighs, "Good girl, bad boy. I love a classic!" There must've been a Mrs. Ferragus at some point to produce Frankus. Now there's a scary thought!

As the two run off to get married ("I thought you'd never ask," Genia immediately purrs), the head Zealot, Zarat, sees them. "That man's got our virgin," he shouts. How he says this with a straight face remains open to conjecture. Shades of "Comedy of Eros."

Xena and Gabrielle have gotten into Ferragus' stronghold and find him flying about with glee, beating on his men. Is this any way to prepare your men, by beating on them? This was the same thing Callisto did in "Callisto." The doorbell rings (?!) and in walk Genia and Frankus. He wants to announce their engagement but doesn't even know her name yet! Aphrodite pops in, and when she sees Frankus up there with his father, she suddenly realizes what she's done. Xena doesn't want her to undo the spell, however, as the surprise might put Genia in danger. Right now she's blissfully unaware of that.

We then get a scene in which Xena, Gabrielle, and Aphrodite find some outrageous costumes deep in Argo's saddlebags, and they make full use of disguises and bizarre accents to infiltrate Ferragus' compound. Xena (unrecognizable as a turbaned, moustached man with a gruff voice) and Aphrodite (in revealing but normal clothes) come in and introduce themselves as Genia's parents, Anthrax and Spitunia! W.C. Fields, the master of silly names, had to be laughing in his grave at that.

Weddings are a bitch to plan, so they've also brought help. Cue Gabrielle's entrance as, "Belle, of Belle's Bridal Barn. 'Cause I put the 'ding' in 'wedding," Gabrielle says in a fine southern accent. Obviously, the plan is to totally freak out Ferragus and Frankus until they can pull the old switcheroo with the helmet and get Genia safely away.

Xena pulls Genia away so that Aphrodite can pop her to safety again. Xena tells her to stop following other people and be herself. Genia admits to having felt most like herself when she was with Xena and Gabrielle. Xena sees this as a start and returns to the main room.

Seems Gabrielle is cleverly playing the wedding planner to give her an excuse to mess with Ferragus' attire. Attempting to fit him in a "girly" outfit, she tries to remove his flying helmet. He protests, and Gabrielle looks at Xena like, "What can I do now?" Xena steps in, and knowing she gave him a head wound in an earlier meeting, asks to see his scars. When he shows her a wound in his stomach, she dismisses it, saying, "Who needs a spleen." His neck wound by a short sword elicits, "Good thing it wasn't a long one." He takes off his helmet to show him his scar given him by Xena, the Warrior Princess herself. He seems quite proud of this one, and Xena puts him in a headlock to examine it more closely. She roughs him up a bit and knocks him in the head. I kept expecting her to cry out, "Noogies!" Once she lets go, Gabrielle grabs him to discuss her bill, thus distracting him from the helmet at his feet. Xena and Gabby should've been on the original "Mission: Impossible" show! Aphrodite gets the helmet, sneaks it off to Genia, then pops her off to safety ("Just doin' the god thing," she proudly tells Xena in the next scene). Unfortunately, she's sent to the marketplace (to do some shopping while she waits) where the Zealots are still on the hunt, and they spot her immediately. When Xena finds out what she's done, she begins to growl at Aphrodite and act like she's going to rip her to shreds in a funny display of frustration. We've all been there, I think.

Meanwhile, Ferragus goes to open his bag, only to find Aphrodite's personal items instead of his helmet. He begins to throw the items about as he goes into a totally psycho rant. Anybody see the chains come out? I guess the Goddess of Love practices all kinds of love! Zealot Zarat shows up with the empty bag he's gotten from Genia as proof he has the helmet now. The Zealots need Xena dead, and Ferragus needs the helmet. Perhaps a deal can be struck?

Gabrielle and Aphrodite, back in the market, are each claiming responsibility for the screw ups. Xena runs up to show them all she's found is Genia's pink slipper (shades of "If the Shoe Fits..."). Time to go check the Zealot temple nearby. Seems like that's the first place they'd have checked. Aphrodite offers to cast a spell to help out, but Xena's got other plans for her.

This time, Xena finds the sacrifice about to take place in the temple by dropping a spiked slab on top of Genia, who looks a bit more frightened this time around. In typical television bad guy style, instead of doing something simple and quick, like cut the rope to the slab, thus killing Genia instantly, they have to set the rope on fire and let it burn, giving Xena plenty of chance to kick their asses and save the day. Xena may be very talented, but sometimes a little stupidity by her opponents helps her look good.

As Xena starts to move into action, Ferragus flies down to block her. He tells her he has a deal to help the Zealots in exchange for the helmet. "Since when do warlords keep their promises?" Gabrielle asks. "Since I wanted to kick your butt anyway," he tells Xena as they spring into combat.

As Ferragus flies about as though hanging from a wire, Xena flips about and pulls a ladder into play. With the burning rope, this is looking like a riff on the battle scene in "Callisto." Gabrielle's fighting with a savvy we haven't seen from her in a while, a certain amount of self-doubt having crept into her character this season. Beat me, Gabrielle, beat me! Oops, did I write that? But Xena uses the ladder to reach out and collar Ferragus. Once he's stuck in the rungs, she flips him about and beats him up pretty good. He still manages to get away, and Xena manages to pound the helmet down over his eyes. As he flails about, she jumps by and swipes it off his head. At that point, he drops to the ground, passing out.

Xena tosses the bag with the helmet (or is it?) to Gabrielle, who runs out with it, Zarat hot on her heels. Just as she did in "Forgiven" when Gabrielle and Tara were about to get sliced by that trap, Xena arrives just in time to stop the now falling slab from actually harming Genia.

Zarat has returned carrying the helmet, with Gabrielle as hostage. Why are they up on the third or fourth floor? Wouldn't the entrance to the building be on the ground floor? He says maybe his next tribe will offer their sacrifices to him, and he puts the helmet on and jumps out to fly off to his next scam. Only he plummets down to the floor and dies with a heavy thud. "Or not," Xena summarizes.

Turns out Gabrielle switched the helmets when she ran out "just in case." Yes, Aphrodite pops in carrying the helmet. "Right here, Sweet pea."

And then into the concluding scene--or is it? Frankus returns to express his undying love for Genia, but she just brushes him off. She's got to find herself, but they can "still be friends." Ouch! The "friends" speech! Seems she wants to return to the convent she came from and convert it into a shelter for "those in need." Gag me with a bag of sugar! Is it her convent to make those decisions about? Aphrodite moves in to begin counseling them on their new lives, like she has a clue about mortal life! They're going to have to have a season seven so Xena can return and straighten this couple out again! But she and Gabrielle leave to see the show. I thought they missed it? Are they seeing Sappho or not?

Then we cut to one of those shining Xena moments showing us the workings of her and Gabrielle's relationship. I'm going to look at it in detail as the details are what makes scenes like this. The two sit on rocks over looking the sea. The setting sun, casting a rosy red glow, sets on the horizon, producing a bright reflection on the water below.

Well, it seems Xena thought there was a late Sappho show, but they found out it was a single performance. Why was Gabrielle so upset earlier about missing the show if they thought they could catch the late one? I smell a scene on the cutting room floor. But that's not the point here. The two relax by sharing a bottle of wine, and Gabrielle says she appreciates the thought, and perhaps someday they'll get to hear Sappho read her poetry. Just when you think they're about to get all mushy on us, Gabrielle takes a drink from her--dribble glass! "Now we're even," Xena says, toasting the success of her final birthday prank. Gabrielle laughs good naturedly, realizing Xena's teasing her so much because she loves her so much.

Xena asks Gabrielle to close her eyes, and by now she reflexively responds with a "No!" But Xena suddenly turns very serious, and Gabrielle senses this is no trick, but something sincere. Xena places a scroll in her lap, looking like she's dying to get Gabrielle's reaction. Interesting how Gabrielle is normally the one to speak through scrolls, and now Xena turns the table and communicates with Gabby at her own level. Gabrielle opens the scroll, looking puzzled. "I had Sappho jot something down for ya," Xena explains as though she does this every day. Gabrielle looks at her with a strange expression like she's surprised Xena would come up with something this sentimental. She probably gives Gabby a power tool each year!

Anyway, Gabrielle is suitably impressed with this gift, but Xena looks like she won't be satisfied until the poem is read. This isn't just any poem, but one Xena feels is important. My heart melted and the blood rushed through my ears as Gabrielle read aloud, glancing up at Xena after each line:

"There's a moment when I look at you and no speech is left in me.
My tongue breaks, then fire races under my skin, and I tremble
And grow pale, for I am dying of such love, or so it seems to me."

Her voice breaks as she reads the final line. I could hardly breathe. "It's beautiful," Gabrielle says, laughing and eyes shining. She gives Xena a playful pop on her knee with the scroll, then stands up, saying, "This is the best birthday present I've ever had!" Xena stands up and they embrace. "'Course it ain't over yet," Xena says, suddenly slapping on the helmet of Hermes. And before she knows what hit her, Gabrielle is whisked off into the air. The two are flying, arms outstretched, grinning and laughing together as they fly off into the sunset. (Much like Lucy flying off with Bart and Lisa in her "Simpsons" appearance.) "Happy birthday, Gabrielle," we hear Xena say as the scene fades out.

This scene was simply one of the best ever. Xena and Gabrielle are simply fabulous in their interplay, with Xena, normally trapped by her stoic inarticulateness, finally finding the words which unlock the truths of her heart. She looks like she's going to start weeping with passion as the bard reads. Gabrielle meanwhile simply brims with the love and exuberance that has earned her so many fans. Their use of the helmet for their own pleasure (hey, we've got it laying around, why not use it?) shows their most playful side, and I'm sure these kinds of perks are the special times that makes their lives special after they endure so much death and heartache. I'm not subtexter, but after this scene, I was crying out, "Just do it, already!"

Although not of the caliber of a "Been There, Done That" or "A Comedy of Eros" in the flat-out comedy episodes, this was still a mighty solid chunk of comedy. The end scene was one of the most moving they've ever done. Aphrodite, in what I'm guessing is her last appearance, turns up in fine form, giving us the Goddess of Love as we love her most. Ferragus could get old quickly, but I don't think we'll be seeing any more of him either. In a small dose, he was brilliant and fit the part of the psycho-but-funny warlord perfectly. Frankus was a bit flat, but that was probably the right way to play that role. Why are all the nice guys in this series so deathly dull? This was probably the best episode since "A Day In the Life" to show the little daily routines of Xena and Gabrielle's lives (that brilliant scene setting up the camp), and it made a nice update before the end. Ultimately, it was a comedy, and nothing but. And I laughed long, hard, and loud throughout. Four chakram out of five rating. If this is the last comedy episode of the series, as I expect, it was a fantastic way to go out.
Rick(Gabriologist since the late 20th Century)
Visit my web site at www.ricks-studio.com for Episode Reviews,
Humorous Quotes, and other Xena-themed writing!

"You're 'dying of such love,' Xena?" --Gabrielle
"Um, yeah." --Xena, casting her eyes down
"And Aphrodite has nothing to do with it?" --Gabrielle
"Sweet pea, you two don't need any help from me!" --Aphrodite