OK, e-mailed Pasadena Convention Journal excerpt to AXF. Check. Next, write "Send In the Clones" review.

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Anybody not know that was Claire Stansfield getting out of the car at the beginning? Those long, skinny arms and legs, that insouciant walk, the lush hair! Unlike the characters in this episode, I know evil Alti (or Alexis, as she's calling herself here) when I see her, present day or no present day! I believe it was Labby at the con who pointed out that it is Hercules' Falafel handing over the briefcase. As with most of the team's present-day settings, this one is full of series regulars in parallel or contrasting roles.

Alexis/Alti handed over a big wad of 1000's to the shady guy. If he'd brought that stuff to the Xena Convention, he'd surely have auctioned it off for more than that. That was Xena's hair on that sword! Given what's about to happen, I assume some of Gabrielle's is there as well.

We're jolted with a seemingly incongruous scene lifted from "Them Bones," only to find that these are shows being reviewed by some Xena fanatics that make us look like normal! Can you imagine what it would cost to outfit a room like theirs with Xena souvenirs? 'Course, I already own some of that stuff! They're so wrapped up in watching the episode, they can barely muster the energy to answer the phone (OK, I do that too).

There's Mac, a computer nerd and Joxer fan, played by some guy I don't recognize (although it's obvious the role was written for Ted Raimi); Clea (it sounded like "Leah" to me, but Whoosh! goes for "Clea"), a blond Gabrielle fan and believer in subtext to the max (hey, that's my Gabrielle T-shirt she's wearing); and Dr. Polly, a tall dark woman played by Xena's double from "The Play's the Thing" who wants everything to be Xenafied super action!

A little interaction with Alexis, and we discover she has a genetic process called "accelerated maturation." Yes, she has cloned Xena and Gabrielle from the hair. Their unconscious (and naked) forms are displayed on a pair of tilt-up tables. Oddly, Gabrielle has her original long hair, but that would set up a good joke in a few minutes. And they are going to feed the clones' empty brains images from the show to make them become Xena and Gabrielle. Why didn't I think of that? "Renbee, start the Accelerated Maturator . I've got Renee's hair! Buwah-ha-ha!" As the computer nerd says, "Cool!"

This whole setup leads to a series of insider jokes as we watch each character try to spin the memories being fed to the heroines to skew to their own particular fantasies of how the show is. Mac wants more Joxer, which only repels the two women. And, being a male on this show, he finds just their mindless bodies alluring enough! Polly wants everything to be about fighting ("We're not bringing her back to counsel the love lorn--she's got to kick ass!" she says), while Clea is the sap pulling for lots of gushy love stuff, campfires, baths, etc. (Mac: "If you start talking about subtext, I'm gonna barf!"). Their constant sniping at each other is just hilarious. Kind of reminded me of the "XXX Review" in Pasadena, where they read the fan fiction story with the different Xena fans giving the producers new ideas for the show.

Fortunately for the audience, Alexis is the mature one keeping the big picture in mind, and she gets these pathetic Xena freaks to somehow pull together and start feeding memories into our beloved pair of clones. And so the replays begin, starting with Polly's warrior reel. Can anyone say "clip show?" But once again, they come up with a clever device to frame it.

We get a great fight montage, much of it featuring Livia fighting Xena on those big curtains. I'd seen Eve in her ratty torn scrap of a dress so long this season, I'd almost forgotten what a dashing Roman she made. I can see why Adrienne said she preferred playing the role as Livia over Eve.

When this has no effect on the clones' brainwaves, they discuss the merits of trying a selection of Gabrielle scenes. Says Clea, "She needs a dose of Gabby. That'll jump start her heart!" I'll say! Of course, Mac's idea of hands-on cardiac massage or Clea's idea of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation both sound good as well! Mac wants to see scenes illustrating their "special relationship--just let me watch!" Too funny!

After a bit of arguing over what the clones need next, Alexis decides to call it a day. Polly has ordered costumes from "the catalog," and the girls sound like two children planning to dress up their dolls when they come in the next day. Is this what we real Xena fans seem like to the outside world? I shudder. Just a minute, my Xena standee is calling me....

Later that night, after things are shut down, a shadowy figure pulls the wires off Gabrielle and proceeds to download images into clone Xena from a disc labeled "Evil Xena." We see Xena, a pinched soldier at her mercy, saying, "Tell Hades to prepare himself. A new Xena is born tonight with a new purpose in life: death." Then a slew of her most evil deeds. "I say, kill them all!" During the scene where she puts Gabrielle on the cross and breaks her legs, we see clone Xena's lip curl in an Elvis-like smile. As we go into the first commercial break, I have absolutely no idea where this is all headed, but it looks like a funny, unpredictable ride coming up as we sort out the good from the evil.

Alexis and Clea come in the next day to find Mac and Polly already dressing the pair in their costumes. Mac's cut Gabrielle's hair, to which Clea says, "I wanted her to have long hair, like classic Gabby!" Mac replies, "Only in the reruns, babe." He hands Clea the last strands of hair, which she raises lovingly to her face to kiss. By the gods, this is funny stuff. Of course, classic Gabby hair wouldn't match the Season Six costume they've clothed her in, so it was probably a good decision.

It doesn't take them long to discover the tampering last night. The clones' life signs are improving, so they should wake any time. But will it be the evil Xena or the good Xena? Only one thing's for sure, as Mac wipes off Xena's breastplate: "I would get my hands off of her boobs," Alexis counsels Mac. It has become essential to load in the Gabby tapes to counteract the Evil Xena tape.

This episode is simply chock full of little jokes. As the Gabrielle scenes play out, we see Mac rub his eye--through his glasses frames! Blink and you miss it.

When they get to Gabrielle's speech, "Xena, do you think I could have understood the power of selfless love if it weren't for our friendship?" I was ready to cry, but Polly switches off the player, saying "Enough of the lovey-dovey crap. You're putting them back to sleep!" Hey, Polly, I was watching that!

So instead, we get Polly's Gabrielle scenes, wherein our battling bard battles a bit more and bards a bit less, featuring the Roman massacre from "Ides of March." The Way of Friendship certainly involves more fighting than the Way of Love. I just adore that yellow Indian outfit!

Finally, they feed in the scene in which Callisto forces Xena to stand in front of a crowd to declare her sins. This is supposed to show the clones that there are consequences to the actions they have been ingesting up until now.

Suddenly, a puzzled looking Xena awakes, and lacking any better response to her situation, she tosses her chakram and gives a war cry. Unfortunately, it's a toy chakram (from "the catalog?"), so it breaks in half when Xena catches it. Although Alexis sees it, the Xena fanatics are facing away, and Xena puts the pinch on Mac (from Xena's time perspective, she probably figured as the man, he was in charge, not Alexis, as it would have been back then) and begins asking questions. The characters all stammer in fright as the next round of commercials come on. This episode was good enough as it was--now Xena and, presumably, Gabrielle are ready to take center stage!

Sure enough, Gabrielle wakes soon, and what is her first word? "Xena." How cute! Note: how do these ancient Greeks know how to speak perfect American English? Presumably, they have some of Star Trek's universal translators installed someplace.

At Gabrielle's urging, Xena removes the pinch, and the group begins to fill in the story. After explaining what cloning and science are, it turns out they want a hero for the world, and they feel that Xena and Gabrielle are the perfect pair for the job. "We need someone to go out there and kick butt!" Polly says enthusiastically. "You've got the right girl for that," clone Xena says.

But Xena's present concern is hunger. Watching our pair tackle modern food is pretty amusing. Mac presents a doughnut as a little chakram, only you can eat it. "Sugar and fat--they're delicious!" Clea says, holding the doughnut under Xena's nose. Watching Gabrielle eating raw squid in flashback contrasts nicely with seeing Xena trying to eat a pizza wedge without dropping off the toppings.

This whole time, as Xena and Gabrielle eat, they are watching XWP reruns. The three fans are watching them, completely mesmerized (as wouldn't we all be?) and thinking aloud via voice over. Polly is watching Xena, thinking about all the famous martial artists like Bruce Lee who Xena would make fools of, given the chance. Mac looks over both of them, thinking about how horny they are after 2000 years without sex (logically, that's ludicrous, since they're really only hours old, but it's not a logical kind of episode) and how he's the only man around. Clea is lusting after Gabrielle, who's having difficulties navigating a bendy straw going through a plastic cup top. "After lights out, I'll play 'em a full season of old 'Ellen' episodes," Clea thinks. It's starting to sound like material for Claire and Alex's next "XXX Revue."

Then we see a couple of scenes involving Xena and Gabrielle kissing to one degree or another, finishing with the kiss from "Return of the Valkyrie." Gabrielle squirms uncomfortably, and darts a nervous glance at the floor. Xena's dropping a pizza slice down her gullet , grinning, and says, "Alright!" Nothing like the lusty appetites of a warrior princess! But at this point, the clones are beginning to regain their old memories somehow, and they begin to critique the factual aspects of what they are being shown. "That's not how it happened," Xena says. Gabrielle concurs. "They've taken liberties with my scrolls," she says. "And what are they trying to say about our relationship, anyway?" Xena asks. "Who knows?" Gabrielle replies. I was in stitches.

Gabrielle pulls Xena to the side to discuss their situation. It sounds funny hearing Xena ask Gabrielle what they're going to do next. We begin to see the evil Xena show through, as she has no interest in doing "good" this time around, as Gabby urges. "It kinda doesn't appeal this time around." She points out some "sugar and fat" on Gabrielle's chest, which leads to Gab getting a finger in her face as she looks down. "I always wanted to do that," Xena says. She's starting to show a little more edge than we're used to. And their fascination with the bathroom ("a whole room designed for relieving yourself") is worth a chuckle.

Alexis steps in, and takes Gabrielle outside to explain the possibility they have an evil Xena on their hands. When she does, they are immediately surrounded by police who assume she's a crazed fan in her TV show outfit. Of course, when Gabrielle tries to explain what happened, it sounds about as crazy as it sounds right now. They arrest her and cart her off to jail. I'm beginning to smell Alti in Alexis. She's up to something.

It's always great to see the scene in which Joxer and Gabrielle first meet, when he tries to capture her for Callisto and she beats the tar out of him with her staff. Yup, Mac's got 'em finally watching the Joxer tape! Of course, this puts Xena to sleep. When Mac wakes her to ask if Joxer's portrayal is accurate, she replies, "I don't remember him being that smart, though." Poor Joxer!

Alexis comes back to tell them the police took Gabrielle. "Police?" Xena queries. "The local warlords," Alexis explains. Suddenly, we know it is Alti in there, and her plan is to pit Xena against the police immediately, putting her on the path of evil, ultimately leading to Alti's own door. She gives Xena the real (new style) chakram she has, and Xena runs off. Suddenly, Alti appears on the video monitors behind Alexis, and Alexis chuckles just like...you guessed it! Nothing like seeing Claire Stansfield pull out the stops!

As Alti explains her plan, we find out it was her that hid the Xena Scrolls in the cave. Seems she wanted the world to live without the inspiration of Xena, therefore allowing evil to more quickly cover the earth. When the TV show began to celebrate Xena, Alti felt it was time to put it to an end. By unleashing the evil Xena on the world, she would deflate Xena's reputation and put the lie to all of her good deeds.

Sure enough, Alti uses her mind control to switch the video monitors to the local news. Turns out "a woman dressed like the television character Xena, Warrior Princess, has broken into the city jail and freed another woman dressed as Gabrielle, the warrior princess' sidekick." "She's plenty more than just a sidekick," Clea mutters. A policeman says, "Crazy chick! She's got the strangest round weapon, kinda like a Frisbee."

They get away from the jail, steal a horse (described on the news by an eyewitness stoner [think Sean Penn in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High"] in a segment that is edited for language and possibly the funniest set piece on the show), and find their way to a junk yard where Xena is using modern tools to forge a new sword properly (who taught her to use that stuff remains to the viewer's imagination).

When Gabrielle asks what she's up to, Xena shows her the sword, then pulls out a pistol. "These things are hopeless in hand-to-hand combat," she opines. She hasn't quite picked up the handgun thing yet, as the pistol accidentally discharges The bullet ricochets a few times, followed by the meow of a surprised cat! "See what I mean?" Xena says. Tossing the gun over her shoulder, it fires off again. It's like something off the Three Stooges. How Lucy and Renee can do a scene like this with a straight face (and it's the only way the scene would work properly) is beyond me. My hat's off to them.

Alti and company drive up in a big red Firebird, wheels screeching. Now, Xena can tell that it's Alti, not Alexis. What's surprising is how little they did to Claire to change her character--a little make-up, the clothes a tad more, well, edgy and ragged. The main switch comes from within Claire, who completely wins you over as she changes characters--the voice, the piercing look, the devilish smile. I didn't like her all that much at first, but I've grown to really enjoy her work on this show. Claire knows evil.

As the fans get out of the car and cower to the side, Alti uses her mind control powers to force-feed clone Xena a dose of Alti memories. When Gabrielle protests, Xena's told about Gabrielle's betrayal in Chin and her part in Solan's death (possibly Xena's most tragic personal moment). Thoughts of revenge then trigger the infamous Gab Drag from "Bittersuite." That always hurts to see that!

Gabrielle tells Xena to think of the good things they accomplished, which triggers memories of some of the more hackneyed scenes of the dynamic duo rescuing single children in battles where people are being killed by the dozens all around them. Never liked those scenes, and if I were Xena, I'd go ahead and kill Gabrielle right now! Just kidding! But after that puffery, Gabrielle asks her to think of the good they did for each other, and we are treated to a short burst of emotionally intense scenes in which Xena and Gabrielle express their deepest feelings for each other. I feel this is the heart of the series (right, Clea?), and this being near the end of the series, it provided quite a cathartic reprise of their special relationship. Anyone who could sit through that thirty second or so burst of images with a dry eye has no heart. I'd type up a few examples, but I'd probably choke up listening to their words again. Yes, Xena and Gabrielle, we fans will keep your love for each other alive in our own hearts once you are gone. We will never forget, and you two will be a part of us forever. Pass me a Kleenex.

Having cloned Xena a heart along with the rest of her body, Xena can't ignore this last barrage of imagery, so she pushes Gabrielle to the side and takes off after Alti. You go, girl! Alti jumps in the red car and tries to run Xena down. It's staged in the junk yard much like a gladiator fight, only the opponent is a car rather than a guy on a horse with a spear and net. In a scene reminiscent of Callisto as she's buried under yet another ton of rock, Xena uses her chakram to drop a car from a crane right on top of Alti. As with Callisto, you don't stop that much evil quite so easily!

Polly runs out, seeing a chance to help Xena when Alti reappears, and she gives Alti a bunch of lame kung fu moves, only to be knocked out cold by Alti with one punch. Alti shakes her head. A little comedy mixed into the fight scene! Very good.

Xena appears to flip onto a car top, only to slip off. It looks like a mistake, but as her foot slips off, they make it look like she kicks Alti, but I still say it looks like a botched shot they worked in anyway. But for Alti, it doesn't matter. During the fight, a power line fell onto the red car, electrifying it. Xena flips Alti onto the car, where she is fried up quite nicely and disappears into a pile of ash. Not immortal ash, just regular ash. Obviously, when it comes to power, electricity is the great leveler, as this seems to finally doom Alti (at least for now--we know how Alti works, moving from lifetime to lifetime).

OK, you're a writer on Xena. You have Xena and Gabrielle alive in the future at the end of an episode. Surely you can't just leave them there. What do you do? A little stray fuel on the ground is leading flame from Alti's pyre to a large pile of threatening oil drums. Xena and Gab help the three fans over a wall at the edge of the junkyard, but they don't have time to get clear themselves--so they are blown up! By the gods, did they have to be so savage about it? They may be clones, but it's still Xena and Gabrielle!

Later, as the police cars drive off and the three fans head back towards home on foot, they discuss the day's events. Polly: "You know, to be honest, I was a bit disappointed anyway. I mean, they just seemed to be so much more dynamic on TV." "On TV, yeah," Clea concurs. Mac, in a hat only a Joxer could love, wonders, "Hey, you guys think they're going to believe us at the conventions?" Suddenly a taxi drives by, and who is that clinking glasses of champagne in the back seat?

Well, after a month missing episodes while on vacation, it was great to have something of this caliber to come back to. Another in their long line of present-day Herc/Xena episodes, this one is simply full of tips to the fans. I saw stuff on the internet where people said they were disrespectful to their fans, picturing them as vapid ninnies, but if you can't laugh at this, you have no sense of humor. They kept me laughing steadily through the first half, even though I had no idea where this was going, and the final act presented yet another twist on a Xena fight scene (I lose it every time I remember that gun going off in the junkyard). Not a big meaningful episode (although it did fill a few holes regarding the lost Xena Scrolls), but full of laughs and lots of fun. It was a bit perturbing seeing some unknown guy play the obvious Ted Raimi role. What this guy did was funny--Raimi would've made it unforgettable. Of course, maybe having Ted play somebody imitating Joxer might've just been too much. But other than that, this was the comedy side of Xena at its best. I would give it a full five chakram rating, but being a clip show, I'll knock off a half chakram and give it a solid four and a half. I can't wait to see this one again. What more need be said?
Rick(Gabriologist since the late 20th Century)
Visit my web site at http://www.ricks-studio.com for Episode Reviews,
Humorous Quotes, and other Xena-themed writing!

"Psst! Alti! Wanna slide one of those Gabrielle clones this way?" --Rick