Well, I could tell from the teasers last week that this week's XWP, "You Are There," would deal with a present day interviewer doing an investigative television report on Xena. From this, I had certain expectations, virtually none of which came true. That's one reason I like this show so much: you just never know what kind of kinks Rob and the writers are going to throw in the path next. Most of the kinks I liked, but a few stuck in my craw (whatever a "craw" is). So before I give anything away (like Shana hasn't done that already!), here's the

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First, let me address the whole issue of the reporter Nigel, played by Michael "Iolaus" Hurst (kind of surprised he didn't direct as well, but he was in virtually every scene, so it would've been difficult to direct too). I figured the guy was probably from our (not Xena's) near future. Someone had invented time travel or something similar (or perhaps a god zoomed forward and brought him back for some reason), and the guy had gone back in time to do a "This Is the Real Xena" feature for his viewers in his own time. Or something like that. Instead, the writers give us absolutely no clue as to why this guy is there. He just is. In a way, this was kind of clever, to simply ignore the whole issue, but somehow, at first, I felt we deserved some sort of explanation. Perhaps this was done simply to streamline the story and not waste too much time when the real story was Xena's adventure. The reporter wasn't the episode, he was merely the tool used to tell the tale. Anyway, I really enjoyed them finding yet another cool format for story telling.

So given the fact the reporter is simply there, along with cameras, crew, and editing equipment, the next most interesting question is how the Xena-era people react to these strange intrusions. Here, we got mixed signals. The first time Nigel tracks Xena down for an interview, she gazes into the camera with a bewildered look, as if she's never seen a camera before (which she probably hasn't). We cut to the opening credits, and next time we see Xena, she seems, if not comfortable in front of the camera, at least not puzzled by it any more. This inconsistency runs through most of the episode, with people's reactions to the modern day elements dependant upon how much mirth they can wring from the scene. And I don't find this a bad thing, since the writers have never shown any fear about being inconsistent for the sake of telling a whopper of a story.

The disclaimer for this week's episode said, "Linear time was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture." Yes, time itself was non-linear, as not only did the reporter intrude on Xena's time, but the cast also found itself called into a modern day television studio for interviews. Again, no explanation, and that is part of what makes the whole thing so funny. Just where exactly did Xena and Gabrielle GO after they left that sound stage? I'm glad they didn't explain too much. It couldn't be any more twisted than what we imagine for ourselves!

So on to the story itself. First, as we are treated to scenes of a trip to the Norse lands, I'm thinking perhaps they've rescheduled and they're rerunning the Ring trilogy. But then we see a raven watch a ship dock, and fly back to Odin in Valhalla. Whatever the raven reported, Odin's not amused. So it's a new episode, but we're going to return to the frozen hinterland.

Then we cut to a tavern, where Beowulf is downing a frosty brew. Gabrielle, followed by Xena, walks up, and they greet each other. Xena wants to know why he's being so cold in his greeting of Gabrielle. He was, of course, crazy about her in the Ring trilogy. C'mon, Xena, what did you want him to do? Even given the upcoming plot twists (more later), perhaps he was simply moving on, and he realized Gabrielle was Xena's babe, so to speak. Did she want him to pounce on her right in the bar there? Well, turns out, this was just a foreshadowing of further bad doings!

Suddenly, some Valkyrie show up, sent from Odin. Their mission is to stop Xena from getting to him, which is the purpose of her journey. I can't quite figure out why Odin and the rest are so anti-Xena here. I thought she fixed them up pretty nicely last time she was there. Why the attitude? Of course, a fight breaks out, and the funniest part is the way Beowulf turns away from the action to finish his beer, secure that Xena's going to wipe the floor with the Valkyrie. But we the audience don't get to see the fight either! This would prove to be a theme this episode, as much of the physical stuff occurs off camera. This still gives us the sense of the action unfolding, as we can hear the noises and see things like Valkyrie flying out the tavern door!

So what do we see? Nigel's camera picks up the story, showing him primping in front of the camera. Yes, he's right outside, and he's going to interview Xena. Hey, buddy, maybe you ought to let her cool off a bit first? What a dolt! But being a dolt is part of the reporter's character, as he continually screws up facts, recalls things wrong, and presents his own interpretations of events as facts. How much of this is him being stupid, and how much is him just playing the tabloid TV reporter game, who knows? But he seems more interested in Geraldo-style muck-raking than 60 Minutes-style investigative journalism.

A brief aside: there's only one thing I can't stand about the new opening credits. The guy they show when they say "warlords" is not a warlord. He's a cannibal. Surely they could've found a better shot to put there. Sorry, had to vent!

When we return, we see Nigel's introduction to his piece. It seems he's a bit behind the times, Xena-wise. He want to find out if Xena is now good or bad. It seems like by now, most people would be in favor of her, since most of the people she wronged are now probably dead. I'm sure her good deeds have far out shone her bad beginnings. But inquiring minds want to know....

He gets right to Xena and Gabrielle, his first-hand sources. It's funny seeing these two surrounded by contemporary settings in the TV studio. Gabrielle gets upset when a stage hand tries to clip a mic on her top. Xena's just impatient with all the prepping and wants to get on with it.

Finally the interview begins. Most of Nigel's information is so old, all he brings up are Xena's past misdeeds. Xena keeps trying to point out that she's made up for much of that by now, but Nigel keeps cutting her off with rude questions, twisting everything she says into something bad. The little documentary touches they throw in are hilarious, as we are treated to a "File Photo" of Grinhilda, showing her as the monster. Just too funny! Nigel finally presses too far, insulting Eve by saying she follows in her mother's bloody footsteps (again, seemingly unaware that Eve is not like that any more). I'm still not sure if he just didn't know that, or if he's deliberately pushing Xena's buttons to get a reaction from her (tabloid style). Somehow, he comes to the conclusion that she's here to kill Odin, but Xena's not there to protest, as Gabrielle has urged her from the stage before violence can erupt. This has plenty of comic potential brewing.

Next Nigel wants to determine exactly how bloody and ruthless Xena is, so he travels to the River Styx to interview Charon about how many of her dead he has ferried over. Since Michael Hurst normally plays Charon, I was sort of surprised that they didn't computer insert him in and have him play both rolls, but it was a new Charon, acting much like Michael did in the role. Charon's main impression of Xena is that what she's contributed to the dead is a drop in the bucket, but she's taken out a lot of big names. He also praises her for paying her fares, unlike Hercules, the "super cheap skate!" Dig!

One of the big names is standing right there. Caligula is still waiting to cross the river (he's been bumped twice already!), and he really vents when he's asked about Xena. Of course she comes off sounding bad when Caligula's describing her. This only reinforces Nigel's negative opinion of her. He gets off a couple of good lines, though. "She and that bard of hers--like we don't know what's going on there?" and "I was a god, a living god, and that bitch took me out!" He even asks a nearby dead person if Xena killed him, but it turns out Caligula himself did! Touché! I liked Caligula better in this one scene than I did in his own episode earlier.

The next scene is quite funny. We see an "Artist's Rendering" of Valhalla (looks like the regular picture to me) as Nigel tells us Odin refuses to comment on Xena's supposed plan to take him down. But we do get to talk to an "Anonymous Source," hidden in a cloak of invisibility. It turns out, Nigel knows that only Odin knows the runes required to become invisible, so Odin's deception is foiled. Turns out he did want to talk, just not on the record! He looks so crestfallen when he's caught and drops the invisibility to appear in the chair. Great stuff! Odin posits that Xena is after his Golden Apples (more "File Footage!") which apparently acts like Ambrosia, in that a bite can make a mortal into a god. I guess each culture's gods had their own substances for doing that. In Greece, it's Jell-O, in the Norse lands it's fruit.

Nigel's investigation grows more interesting as Odin says that Xena wants to become a god and rule by Ares' side. He points to her many opportunities to kill Ares, and her lack of having done so as evidence of their collaboration. Yeah, I guess you could read it like that if you didn't know all the facts. Next thing you know, Odin is raving like a pro wrestler and throwing about lightning balls as he threatens Xena (via the camera). Nice touch. Later, Xena gets a few pro wrestling type digs back at Odin.

Apparently, Nigel has sensed Xena's animosity towards him, since he decides to interview Gabrielle again, alone, about Xena's relationship with Ares. He emerges from some trees (now back in Xena's time) to catch Gabrielle by a stream doing her morning toilette, so to speak. Never a good time to bother a woman. And Gabrielle reacts by loofahing Nigel to within an inch of his life, especially pissed off when he asks if Xena is Ares' "love slave." Nigel's ability to irritate virtually anyone is really played for comic effect.

If Gabrielle won't talk, then the only other person who knows what's going on would be Ares, who's next up on the list of interviewees. Nigel wants to know the truth about the "twisted, co-dependant relationship." God, I'm laughing my ass off by now.

Nigel turns up at Ares' farm. I guess he hadn't given up the farm last we saw him--he was only travelling to help out Aphrodite, because now he's back. And Ares looks really bad. He's obviously spent a lot of time drinking, and doesn't even bother much about getting dressed, as he's shirtless most of the time. The farm itself has gone to hell. I did question Ares logic about admitting he's the former God of War on television. I thought the whole point of staying on the farm was so his enemies can't find him. It's like when you hear about wanted criminals who appear on game shows or something and get caught. But, this is a comedy, so this sort of analysis is pointless. What is the point? It's funny! To his credit, he does seem to have finally come to realize he and Xena are not to be. When Nigel asks about plans to rule the world as gods with Xena, he laughs out loud at how ridiculous that whole idea is. But Nigel's stuck on that idea, and Ares protestations are for naught.

Nigel asks Ares if there are other gods who survived the Twilight. What an interesting question--but Xena shows up and we never hear the answer. One of several unanswered questions. Of course, Xena showing up only reinforces Nigel's idea that the two are in cahoots. By this point, Xena refuses to talk to the guy at all, and Ares attacks the cameraman and throws them out. Can anyone say "paparazzi?"

Somehow, Nigel then gets to Heaven to interview the angel Michael. "Archangel," he corrects Nigel. Gotta know these things! Michael's interview is hilarious, as he laughs at the idea that an angel should be all goody-goody. "We're not stupid," he says. He again comes across as a bit of a weasel, giving Nigel yet more twisted half-truths that feed straight into his collaboration theory. OK, he's not a smiley face, but surely an archangel should at least be nice and play fair! Then Nigel slips off his rock in the clouds and falls all the way to Hell!

Nigel dusts himself off, then immediately runs off to interview Lucifer ("Oh horn-ed one"). The guy's a bit dense, but he's really focused on getting his story! Having been cast into Hell by Xena, he doesn't have much better opinion of Xena than Caligula had. When's this guy going to interview someone with a positive story to tell about Xena? All he's heard from are all the losers whose evil plans she's thwarted. When he spoke to Xena and Gabrielle, he wouldn't let them get a word out.

No, wait, there is another person in Xena's inner circle Nigel can interview. Eve! He finds her in a prayer session with her fellow Elijans. Eve acts like she's used to dealing with reporters asking about her mother, and she defers all questions back to Mom. She coolly walks off, followed by the others, but Nigel follows, asking ever more pointed questions of an increasingly personal nature. Finally Eve loses patience with him, and she begins to curse Nigel out thoroughly, with plenty of bleeped out cuss words. Just hilarious! "Not the kind of words you expect to hear from Eve, messenger of Eli," Nigel intones. Oh, man! Finally, she punches Nigel right between the eyes. Now that's my Eve! This one scene almost turned me around on liking her. Just when you think she's nothing more than a whiner with a martyr complex, she shows some real spunk! With a vocabulary like that, she could start her own phone talk 900 line!

We're back in the studio, wherever that is, and Nigel finally admits that they've only heard one side of the equation until now. Looking for her friends, he has finally lured Gabrielle ("Xena's Sidekick" reads the screen caption) in for an interview. She finally gets a chance to talk, and she tries to explain what Xena's like. But she finally just says, "it's hard to explain." But isn't she there to explain it? Just spit it out, girl. When the subject of Xena's "lust" for Ares comes up (complete with clips of their many kissing scenes together), Gabrielle's objectiveness is called into question. Nigel thinks Gabrielle's remarks are colored by her great love for Xena and her jealousy over Ares. We think this is the moment when she answers the question of their relationship. But when "love" comes into the conversation, she flat out denies loving Xena. What? They may not be physical lovers, but we know they love each other. It's what the show's all about! Now where's this plot going? I'm getting confused! I hadn't yet tied in her lack of love for Xena with Beowulf's lack of love for Gabrielle. There is a pattern slowly developing here.

We hear someone off screen yell "Hey, it's a closed set!" followed by Xena's voice saying "Closed set, my butt!" Yes, Xena literally crashes in to get Gabrielle away before she says too much. When Nigel shows the balls to ask her if she loves Gabrielle, she gives him a neck pinch to shut him up a minute, and she tells him that the world has lost the gods' gift of love. Nobody loves anybody.

In perhaps the best scene, Xena and Gabrielle walk out into the hallway to go...where? Gabrielle asks Xena what her plan is (are you telling me Xena hasn't clued her in before now?), and Xena begins to rag on Gabrielle. "You'd think after all these years you could maybe join the dots yourself!" The two then get into an argument that simply has to be heard to be believed! Very funny, yet disturbing to see these two being so mean to each other! Then Xena realizes that this is just another instance of the lack of love going around. "So then what's the plan," Gabrielle asks, a huge smile flashing on her face. Ah, Gabs, you're just too cute.

So where does Nigel go to investigate love? A Norse Tavern that functions as a house of ill repute. There appears to be no lack of love here, as Nigel is mobbed by the ladies. But the madam tells him that business is booming since love is in short supply. If men were in love, they'd be home with their wives and sweethearts (good point). Her girls are about business, not love. She calls out Number 27 as the next customer, for a "Thor's Hammer," and who walks up but Ares ("half naked and stinking of booze" as Nigel says)! When he sees the camera, he runs off. "I'm trying to get laid. I'm not a criminal!" he shouts as he runs away! What happened to the neighbor lady at his farm?

Next we go to a cave. There is even a label ("Cave") with a little arrow pointing to it! He's meeting his mysterious, Deep Throat-like connection. His "source" is cloaked, but from the voice it's a female. She doesn't explain anything, but she tells him he's on the wrong story. "Follow the love," she says. How mysterious yet profound. But by now, I'm beginning to think about how Aphrodite just lost her powers, so Xena's plan must be to somehow get the Golden Apples to Aphrodite. But how does Ares tie into this?

When Nigel thinks love, he thinks Aphrodite, so he follows the love to her. Dite is being swarmed by mortals who are attracted to the last wisps of love that she's giving off. As soon as she sees the camera, she begins to preen, even though she's obviously mastered the whole mortal grooming thing, looking good as ever. I guess she also knows what a camera is. Do (ex-)gods just know these things? As usual, Aphrodite's something to watch. She's so concerned about becoming "saggy." But when Nigel asks her about love, she becomes very knowledgeable. She's smarter than she looks, all right.

For reasons not at all clear, Nigel drags Aphrodite back with him to Valhalla (not only does he traverse great expanses of time, he also manages to travel great geographical distances in mere moments). It's nice to see Gabrielle greet Aphrodite. The two have become such close friends. And what's happening? Xena's whipping Odin's butt inside the castle. Again, we don't see it, but we hear the noises (voices, swords and chakrams) and see flashes of light (fireballs) through the windows. It's cool the way they really convey the sense of the battle without showing it. And Gabrielle's worried since Xena can't kill gods, or Odin in particular, any more.

But just as you'd expect Xena to do in the final act, she eventually emerges from the front of Valhalla, kicking Odin ahead of her down the stairs. She's got the Golden Apples. When Beowulf observes, "You have beaten Odin," Xena says not to rub it in, yet for some reason, she thinks kicking him down the stairs is not rubbing it in. What's that about actions speak louder than words?

Nigel runs up to her, wanting to know who she's going to bestow godhood on. He doesn't think Xena will do it, since he's beginning to realize that Xena's not out to gain personal power, so, following the love, he assumes she'll give Aphrodite a bite (and who'd stop her?). Here, we get another long tease from the writers. If Xena's going to give someone a bite, just get it over with! Rather, she toys with the idea of eating it herself. Is she really tempted, as her eyes seem to convey, or is she simply jerking around this reporter she dislikes so much?

Suddenly Ares walks up to them. Nigel thinks he's been fooled, and Xena wants Ares to have power and rule with him. We're thinking, nah, we know Xena after six years. She'd never do that. Then she reaches out and gives him a bite! Oh, too much! Ares becomes enveloped in a glow, and suddenly, he's whipping fire balls about again, his old cocky self! I had a "Clockwork Orange" feeling as I actually found myself rooting for this pathetic (but attractive) born-again god. I dunno, I guess a god just needs his powers. Anything else just isn't right. But now we also know how Ares came to have his powers back in the "future" shown in "The Xena Scrolls." But we still don't know how he came to be entombed then.

And as Ares celebrates with gusto, Xena holds the remainder of the apple to her lips, smelling it and rolling her eyes with just a touch of mad desire. Is the power of godhood exerting too strong a pull on her? She's done stranger things.... With Ares encouraging her to eat, and her looking like she's going to, Gabrielle steps up and pleads for her to stop. What Gabrielle wants, Gabrielle gets. Xena says she wants Ares to have company on Mount Olympus, so she flips the apple over to Aphrodite, who eats and also glows with a godly delight. A little wave of hearts emanates from her and fills all those around with love. Yeah, Beowulf has "that gleam in your eye" (as Gabrielle puts it), and he's hitting on Gabs again. And she seems to like it!

Despite Ares asking her to eat one of the remaining three apples, Xena hands the branch back to Odin. I imagine he's surprised to be alive at this point. Boy, did he ever misjudge Xena. Didn't he learn anything about her in the Ring Trilogy?

Then, in case we haven't seen enough familiar faces, the mysterious Deep Throat who encouraged Nigel to follow the love, comes out of hiding. Dropping her hood, we find it's Grinhilda. She's trying to patch things up in return for Xena saving her from her monster form.

In a final few interview segments, Grinhilda says she's trying to reverse the bloody legacy of old Xena. She claims Xena told her to tell Nigel to follow the love, figuring he'd go get Aphrodite and bring her back. I'm sorry, but that doesn't make sense. Sure, he might go interview her, but why did she think the guy would drag her back from what appeared to be Greece? But it's a comedy--go with the flow. Just before she exits, however, Nigel seems surprised to find out she's the voice in the cave. Excuse me, but he previously saw her come out of Valhalla and reveal herself in the last scene. He should've known this already.

Xena also claims that her reason for giving Ares his power back was to restore the balance to love. The old "if you don't know sorrow, how can you know happiness" yin-yang thing. Without Ares' dark side, the whole world would be out of balance, Xena says (I don't know--it's a mythology thing I guess).

Next, Eve and her group appear en masse at Nigel's studio to apologize on air for their bad behavior earlier. Eve has again reverted to her martyr role, as she holds up a whip and demands, yes demands, quite sternly for Nigel to beat them as punishment. Eve! What would Mom say about such behavior? I thought that was a little shocking, but funny. Just wait--next episode Eve'll be wearing black leather bondage gear with a zippered hood. Yeah, I could definitely see that....

Then we see Ares stretched out on his throne again, back home in Mount Olympus, giving us his own take. Xena did it for herself, he says, not him. "Redeeming herself, her evil past, oh, I killed so many people, the pain, the pain." Hilarious delivery by Kevin! But he lets it be known the door is always open for Xena if she wants in. The eternal optimist!

Finally, everything's over, no more distractions. Nigel's got Xena and Gabrielle cornered in the tavern again. "Are you two lovers?" he asks point blank. Xena's about to pop him one for being a bit too personal, but Gabrielle intercedes. "OK, Xena, you know, you just risked everything to bring love back into the world," she says with an impish expression, like she just wants to goad Xena more than give Nigel his answer. "I think you should answer the question." Nigel makes a big deal out of redoing the introduction, building slowly to the big answer that's been on everyone's minds (whether they believe in it or not), drawing it out... "Xena...Gabrielle...are you two...lovers...?" "The truth?" Xena asks. She and Gabrielle squirm, looking a little embarrassed. "It's like this: technically--"

And suddenly the "battery" goes dead, and we get static and then a test pattern. Yes, it's but another big tease. Having them drop little lesbian hints into the show is one thing, but to go this far, make such a big point of it--then, nothing! Well, I didn't really expect them to say they were physical lovers. That would've really upset the tone of the show. We can see the love in their eyes; we don't need to see them holding hands over dinner. But still, I was ready to scream (while laughing) when the final fade out happened!

I've heard that this episode was based on an old program called "You Were There," where historical events are recreated as though covered by modern day television news coverage. I don't recall seeing the show, but that format really works here. Another good rip-off job by Robert T. and company. I expected answers at the beginning, but oddly, the loose ends really made the show that much funnier. If we'd known how Nigel managed to get around so much, it wouldn't have been half as interesting. All-in-all, it was another major laugh riot, and I didn't stop chuckling the whole time. I've quoted a few of the better lines above, but virtually the entire show was filled with little zingers. The usual stars (and there were a lot of them) did their usual great jobs, nailing that elusive "comic timing," and I found the story itself to be fresh, well-written, and never predictable (especially in this season of back-to-basics revisited themes). In a year in which TPTB seem intent on giving us gushy scene after gushy scene of Xena and Gabrielle bonding (and I, for one, am not complaining--I'd rather see that than the two of them fighting as the series winds down), here they had every opportunity to drop the "L" bomb, and they didn't do it. And we conclude with Aphrodite and Ares, to paraphrase Paul McCartney, back to where they once belong. Another strong four chakram out of five rating here. What a season to go out on!
Rick(Gabriologist since the late 20th Century)
Visit my web site at ricks-studio.com for Episode Reviews,
Humorous Quotes, and other Xena-themed writing!

"Xena...Gabrielle...are you two...lovers?" --Nigel
"Technically, I have many skills!" --Xena
"That's no answer." --Nigel
"Think about it." --Gabrielle