Hmmm, not much chat on this episode from you guys. I'm kind of surprised, since Caligula was...well, more on that later. I'm a bit late this week, but occasionally real life interferes with my Gabriological studies. I know a little something about Caligula (for a change), and I was looking forward to seeing how he would be Xenacized. I think they had to clean him up a bit for a television audience, and the story they ended up with was "The God You Know." And if you don't want to know the god, stop reading now!

S
P
O
I
L
E
R

S
P
A
C
E

First off, we find our heroines walking through yet another battlefield strewn with corpses in various stages of dismemberment. I can only assume Gabrielle was speaking rhetorically when she asked who could do this. She's seen quite a few warlords and gods over the last few years who would do this.

We begin getting surprise after surprise, in an episode simply chock full of Xena regular guest stars. Here, Michael the archangel appears to tell Xena that this bloody mess is Caligula's. After initially seeming like a pretty cool guy, er, angel, he has changed into a rather smarmy character, trying to toss Xena into Hell earlier this season, and now talking down to her while at the same time basically asking for her help. I think he may have been hanging around with Ares too much--bad attitude. Perhaps he drops in to visit Ares on the farm now and again, tip back a few ales, tell a few tales. Assuming Ares is there to meet him....

Michael tells Xena that Caligula not only thinks he's a god (pretty run of the mill for Roman emperors in those days) but actually is one! I'll bet Michael's glad now that he didn't get rid of Xena the God Killer earlier! So Xena's got her hands full with Caligula, and guess whose daughter is part of the Eli followers currently being persecuted by Caligula? Yes, we will finally find out what happened to Eve all this time.

So we cut to a public square in Rome where Caligula is showing off his invincibility. He's dragging two bodies behind his chariot, so he must be a bad ass, right? To prove his immortality, he has members of the crowd run him through with a sword. When they see how he's not injured, they're supposed to be impressed enough to join his "Cult of Blood." If you don't, kkkkkkkkk (moving finger across throat). At first glance, he seems a bit prissy, and more petulant than evil. Watch out, he might break into a hissy fit and hurt someone! But he does have god powers, so I advise caution.

Eve shows up to protest just as a villager is about to be put to death, and of course Caligula's response is to order her killed as well. If you ever saw this show before, that's like calling the Xena 911 number--help is on the way! Unfortunately, Eve seems to have become a humorless, strident preacher of Eli's way, and she's about as much fun to listen to as an old George Harrison record. Caligula gets in a good one, saying he would've enjoyed meeting the "Bitch of Rome" had he not been in the provinces. Eve tries to make a comeback about being the "Bitch FOR Rome" now, but she lost that round. Eve still needs some conditioner for her hair, but at least she's not wearing those nasty rags she had on early this season. She's actually kind of colorful. If I were evil and Caligula, I could think of better things to do with her than kill her, but perhaps that's one for the fan fiction pages....

Naturally, Xena arrives by chariot just in time. For some reason, she's wearing a mask which looks pretty cool. Just as she's about to knife Caligula (who is showing no fear, being invincible and all), Ares (!!!) shows up to wrestle her to the ground. What?! So Ares managed to stick with farming for what, two weeks? What a guy! And what the heck is he stopping Xena for? Yeah, my mind's spinning now!

It turns out that Aphrodite is tied somehow to Caligula, and killing him will kill her. And who shows up but Aphrodite herself! Yea! About time we got news on the Goddess of Love. Fortunately, she can still pop in and out. Unfortunately, she had something horrible done to her hair, but soon we see that she's not quite all there. She must not be, because it's obvious she's "with" Caligula. But what a setup for the introduction--we've got Michael, Caligula, Eve, Ares and Aphrodite in what (from the opening trailers) appears to be a very hot episode.

We return to find Gabrielle and Eve talking. Eve's pissed that Xena saved her. Apparently, she now thinks that her role is to be a sacrifice for Eli's cause. Get a grip, Eve. Xena needs to deprogram her daughter next episode (or at least before she hurts herself).

Our first sign that something is seriously wrong comes when Caligula kisses Dite. He gets revved up while she swoons and has to be carried off. Since she's acting kind of daffy even by her normal standards, we can only assume he's somehow using her godhood to enhance his own. We've found his power source.

So Eve has run off, averting her impending doom, and Caligula turns to Xena for an explanation. Before she can say anything, Gabrielle breaks into the scene, passing herself off as Senda of Thrace, an investor looking for a chariot race for her driver, Saba (Xena to you). Now you know Xena was going to kill Caligula before Ares stopped her, so I don't imagine she had this as her backup plan. Could Gabrielle be improvising this to get Xena out of a tight spot? Unfortunately, there is no further dialogue to tell us if Gab is being cleaver or simply following orders. But it's enough to get Caligula's interest, as he fancies himself quite the charioteer, so suddenly Xena is the guest of honor at the palace, instead of an assassin rotting in the dungeon.

In yet another hot tub scene (and they're all good, aren't they?), we find Xena scrubbing Gabrielle's feet. The surface of the water is very still. Need I say more?

Gabrielle meets up with Aphrodite at the palace dinner. Dite doesn't recognize her, even calling Gabrielle a "butt-kissing parasite." Ouch! Next to Xena, Aphrodite's one of her best friends, so I'll bet that hurt! Now, Dite is acting like she's really drugged out, and as she walks away from Gabrielle, she's stumbling, breaking things, and giggling. Then she kisses Gabrielle! Whoa--didn't see that one coming! But she's crying and obviously overwrought.

I'm guessing that's supposed to be a Roman orgy going on in the background during that last part, but that's part of what I meant at the beginning about having to get it on TV. The wild orgy really isn't much racier than many other Mideastern-themed parties they've shown in the past (remember Gurkhan?). Lot's of writhing bodies, dancing and eating fruit on couches. Caligula was supposed to be Mr. Party Out of Bounds, but here he comes off as sort of a Hugh Hefner lounging around the Bunny Pad, being very, wink-wink, naughty! Of course, he does like to kill the occasional person now and again.

In another surprise, I note that Ares has been thrown in the dungeon. Pardon me, but didn't he act to prevent someone from killing the emperor? Well, Caligula is immortal, but it was the thought that counted. I figured Caligula would give Ares a few gold coins as reward. But Xena meets him there, and he confirms my suspicion that Caligula is sucking the godhood and life out of Aphrodite. Something must be done!

My ears pricked up when Gabrielle, in an effort to stall Caligula from searching for Xena, asked if he was going to stay and watch her "perform." In yet another episode, we see Gabrielle dance. The girl's a regular Ginger Rogers this season. This time, she does a rather martial-looking primitive kind of dance, only to end up with fire globes in her hands. She tosses them about, saying "Yeeahh" a lot, and doing a real bang up job. Finally, she's on some tables hanging from a rope, looking like a stripper dancing on a pole. Except she kept her clothes all on, what little of them there were. And quicker than you can say, "Who's your choreographer?" Xena shows up (masked as Saba). Bravo, Renee!

Walking up to Caligula, Xena pulls back her cloak to reveal a stunning ensemble from Frederick's of Hollywood. All in black (gotta love this woman), she's looking like Madonna in a bra and I-don't-know-what-to-call-it lace and panty bottom piece. "I am at your command, sire," she says. If her feminine charms are supposed to ruffle Caligula, they seem to have little affect, as he seems more interested in discussing the chariot race coming up tomorrow between them. Maybe he likes the boys, as what male could be within touch of THAT and not simply drop at her feet in worship?

In yet another logical twist (did I mention this episode is full of them?), Caligula says he wants to find out if Xena is a worthy opponent to race him. What's his test? Have her kill Ares! Why? Does that prove she's a good charioteer? Of course, it gives him a good chuckle, and maybe he just wants to test Xena's ruthlessness. Personally, I would've had her do a preliminary race against his best charioteer, but that's just me. And again, why kill Ares? What's he done? I don't believe he is an "Elijan," as they're calling them these days, so why kill him.

In a funny scene, before Xena kills Ares, she tells Caligula she and Gabrielle have a little "entertainment" they want to put on for Caligula with Ares. By the way they are rubbing on Ares, Caligula figures a good sex show might be just the warm up to a good execution, so he goes to watch. Xena's about to kiss Ares' chest, when she turns to Caligula, mouth open, voice husky, and asks him, "Do you want a piece of this?" Hilarious! I'll bet Ares was about to soil his drawers! But Caligula says although he's tempted, deeply tempted, no (points at Dite passed out on couch). This is the Caligula we all know and hate? The real Caligula probably would have come up with the idea in the first place, to say nothing of joining in. I guess implied lesbianism is OK, but the Xenaverse isn't ready to deal with male homosexuality.

Then, in a brilliant move, Xena gives him a taste of what he'll be missing, and she goes and kisses him, biting him on the lip. This draws his blood, which should be impossible since he's a god. This really throws some fear into Caligula, since he doesn't understand how this could be. It's probably the first time in years where he hasn't been in control of a situation.

After throwing everyone out, he has a guard stab his arm. Nothing happens. He's happy since he still is immortal. But he's gotta be wondering how Xena drew his blood.

Later, Gabrielle talks to Aphrodite, and we find that she's now unable to blink herself out. She's weak, and her end is near. Let's speed things up, Xena.

Meanwhile, Xena, still in chains and her lingerie, is giving Caligula a line about her being immortal too. She's Saba, the Celtic Goddess of Sex (yeah, right, Rob), and she's looking to horn in on some of the unclaimed worshippers now available after the Twilight of the Gods. Her god power is the ability to kill other gods ("It's an uncommon gift," Xena says). Caligula doesn't seem to know if he should be glad to find a partner or revolted that he's getting turned on by Xena's power play. She quietly tells Caligula she makes a "very good friend, and an even better enemy." That's Warrior Princess Talk! And again, applause to her costume designer!

Later that night, Caligula is ranting and raving in a mad fit. This guy makes a really poor god, you know? Other than having people stab him, his main power seems to be screaming until his lips are covered in spit. Where are the fireballs, the zapping in and out of scenes, the super fighting powers? Somebody give this guy a copy of "Godhood for Dummies." Suddenly, Michael appears to him. What's he up to?

Meanwhile, the writers again rip off another scene from Christianity, in this case Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Eve, the one longing to be sacrificed, is seen praying in a garden just before Caligula's soldiers find her and cart her off for execution. Suddenly, Michael appears to her. What's he up to? Here, he seems to be working to get Eve to go through with her martyrdom. Bad archangel! Bad! But no, there are no soldiers--Michael leads her away to her doom. That bastard! That's Xena's daughter, you know, buddy!

Eve is brought before Caligula, and she immediately begins spouting her religious sales pitch at him, so, just as I would do, he prepares to kill her. Gabrielle needs to give Eve some lessons on how to get along with people. But Xena shows up, and she's still dressed in that virtually nothing black bit of lace. Can't she find time to get dressed? Not that I'm complaining, but logically speaking? And in yet another surprise, Xena just hauls off and belts Eve into unconsciousness (doesn't want her opening her yap again in front of Caligula). I have to admit, I enjoyed that! Eli, indeed! "Granted, she's a bit irritating," she says. Simply hilarious! Caligula's looking like, "What the hell is going on here?"

It turns out that Caligula's so interested in killing Eve, in particular, because Michael told him that would cement his place in the godly order of things. That Michael is a real two-faced bastard, all right! But Xena again saves the day with some fast talking, as she gets him to save Eve as the prize for the chariot race. The winner (Caligula thinks that'll be himself) will get to kill her in front of the crowds of Rome. This Xena's a tricky one. Brilliant scene, but what exactly is Michael getting out of all this?

Michael then appears, bringing his sword up to kill either Aphrodite or Gabrielle as they talk. Xena runs in to battle him off, thinking he's trying to kill Gabrielle to piss her off. After some stunning moves, considering she's more naked than not, she knocks Michael into the bath and gives him the old neck pinch. She wants answers, dammit, and she wants 'em now! After dunking his head below the water for emphasis, Michael finally tells her he was hunting down Aphrodite. He wants to kill her before Caligula can become a full god, which his next kiss will most certainly do. He thinks it's the only way to keep this maniac from getting too much power for the sake of gods and humans everywhere. Obviously, this is not how Xena would approach the problem.

Again, I was surprised by Xena's next action. After Michael fesses up, Xena then dunks him underwater again, apparently with the intent to drown him. She asks him what happens to angels when they die. Gabrielle is shocked by Xena's sudden brutality, killing an angel when he's down, so to speak. Eli's also displeased that the god killing power he laid on Xena is being abused, so he sends down a beam of light to patch up Michael and bring him back. It also holds Xena back before removing her god killing powers. Ooo, she's going to miss that ability! (But it's probably better for the series future episodes--makes gods a bit more dangerous for her.)

While Xena and Gabrielle have their hands busy with Michael, there's no one to stop Caligula from giving Aphrodite (who's laid out on the bed looking more passed out than goddess-like) her final kiss. For once, Xena reacts too late, and Caligula is a total god, and he shows it by flying through the air, yelling out "I feel good!" like the Godfather of Soul himself, James Brown. And then he suddenly pops himself out! Well, I guess you don't get all the snappy god powers until you're one hundred percent god! Until then, you only have unpuncturable skin!

Once she has her godhood sucked out of her, Aphrodite returns to "normal," except she no longer has her powers. But I thought she would die? Hmm.

When Xena goes to the dungeon to check on Ares and Eve, her daughter is still pissed about being saved from death. "It's my choice," she says. Xena, go ahead and punch her out again.

Can anyone say "Eve-drag?" Like the infamous Gab-drag of yore, here Xena proves she's a bad ass charioteer by dragging her daughter by horse roughly into Rome at the end of a rope. Pretty brutal. As Caligula addresses the crowd, we find out Eve has been upgraded from the "Bitch of Rome" to the "Whore of Rome." Very funny. Wasn't that long ago the Romans thought she was hot stuff.

Then comes the climactic chariot race, and I was surprised to find them staging the race as a cross-country adventure, rather than the inside-the-Coliseum event we usually see. Probably less costly to shoot, and it allows Caligula to show off his new-found fireball throwing ability during the race. At least Xena finally puts some clothes on! She doesn't race in her regular warrior outfit, but rather in a striking, caped special charioteer outfit that looks good on her.

After a rather rough race, Caligula finally loses by flipping his chariot. That seemed like a bit of a poor payoff. Surely Xena could've found a more interesting way to win.

Suddenly, as Caligula waits for Xena to kill Eve (as her reward), Gabrielle shouts out to the crowd that the charioteer Saba is really Xena, Warrior Princess and Slayer of Gods. Caligula, not knowing she's lost that last power, thinks she's going to kill him. She offers him the chance to avoid humiliation and kill himself. What better way to celebrate his Cult of Blood than by sacrificing himself to the cause, she says. Very tricky. If she kills him, he's just another dead god. So Caligula runs himself through, tricked by Xena. Worthy of Captain Kirk.

Another thing I couldn't figure out is why Xena feels so bad about doing him in. He wasn't evil, just damaged, she tells Gabrielle. Couldn't you say that about a great many of the warlords she's vanquished over the years? Why the guilt now?

We see Aphrodite no longer has her powers, so she'll be joining Ares in the mortality line. I guess she'll have to learn how to apply her own beauty products from now on! Maybe she'll go back to the farm with Ares; speaking of which, how come Xena doesn't ask Ares about the farm? You'd think she'd want to know. Who's watering the crops and feeding the animals?

But we finish with another fuzzy moment. Eve asks Xena how she feels losing her most precious gift, her god-killing ability. Xena counters by saying she's got her two greatest gifts, Gabrielle and Eve, and she has no intention of losing either of them. Of course, Eve has this sacrificial wish, but I guess they'll work on that later!

So, to summarize. This episode had a lot of features I liked, mainly the reappearance of a lot of the regular guest stars. Characters have been dying so much, I didn't realize so many friendly faces still inhabited the Xenaverse! The story was clever in the way it brought the Goddess of Love down to Earth while taking away Xena's powers. And it was nice to see Eve again. But Ares was underused, perhaps simply a victim of the sheer number of other guests taking screen time. Gabrielle didn't set any records for on-screen time herself (but what a dance scene!). However, I was disappointed in Caligula. I expected someone more evil and slimy (figuratively speaking) in keeping with the historical man. Xena's faced much worse than this guy, even with his god powers. And he seemed pretty easy to beat during the chariot race and trick into that suicide. There were also so many (minor) logical holes in the story, as outlined above, that it proved somewhat distracting. The story was exciting enough as it moved along, and the skimpy costumes so distracting, that the logical holes did less damage to the episode than might be the case otherwise. Plus, just how did Caligula get the power to suck out Aphrodite's godliness, and how did he lure her into this whole predicament in the first place? We need back story! I was also a bit surprised that Aphrodite took losing her powers so lightly. It was a serviceable Xena episode, but with a weak villain and so many question marks hanging in the air, I'll have to give it a rating of three chakrams out of five.
Rick(Gabriologist since the late 20th Century)
Visit my web site at ricks-studio.com for Episode Reviews,
Humorous Quotes, and other Xena-themed writing!

"Bye, you guys!" --Eve, hoisting a big bag on her shoulder
"Taking off again so soon?" --Xena
"The Elijans are waiting at the airport for these religious pamphlets." --Eve