Well, well, well...(cracks knuckles)...after a little holiday hiatus, we've got some new Xena episodes, and naturally, we've got some new Xena reviews, such as the one that follows for "Old Ares Had A Farm:"

S
P
O
I
L
E
R

S
P
A
C
E

The trailer pretty much sums it up when it says, "Cattle on, Xena!" Yep, after all the drama of the first part of the season, we've got a little comic relief coming. And Ares, no less! (Where's Aphrodite been all this time? She's never shown any ability to deal with the real world either.)

First, we see when Xena and Gabrielle enter the tavern, Gabrielle has shorn the long locks she grew in the Ring Trilogy during her long sleep. As much as I hated seeing her lose the long hair originally, it seems the short hair fits her new, more mature, action-oriented personality better, and I was kind of glad to see the short hair back (but it seems like she's growing it out a bit, as it's hanging down near her shoulders now, looking kind of shaggy and with a little flip now at the back--and I'm not complaining).

Don't know if anyone else caught it, but as Xena begins questioning the warriors inhabiting the bar, she says she notices they're wearing "Attila's colors." Hello, they're wearing all black. All those warrior guys back then wore black! Subtle and hilarious!

So we find out that Ares is being hunted down by the warlords he's screwed over during the years. This leads to a great scene of Ares walking down a path, minding his own business, when he's attacked by a little runt of a warrior. The look on Ares' face when he sees this guy is funny--just another annoyance for the ex-God of War. His confusion only increases as Xena and Gabrielle show up beside him ready to fight.

"Battling Siki," as the runt calls himself, reminded me of a part Joxer might play, with a tad of rewriting. The guy thinks he's a warrior when he obviously isn't, he provides comic relief during the show, and his dim-wittedness leads him into trouble he only thinks he can handle. Where's Ted Raimi when you need him? Oh, that's right: dead!

After Xena runs Siki off, the XGOW dismisses the incident with "I've been getting a lot of that lately." This ex god can be so dense sometimes! Fortunately, Xena and Gabrielle are there to clue him in and offer up a witness protection program-styled arrangement to make him disappear. Of course, Ares initially thinks they're here to help him defeat his enemies in a bloodbath. Gotta love the way this guy thinks, sometimes. And how does he want to reinvent himself? As a king or priest, for instance! No, Xena thinks a little farm in the backwoods ("How are you at shoveling s[bleep]t?" she asks with a big grin) might be a bit more low profile...and we have ourselves an episode, ladies and gentlemen! The Beverly Hillbillies in reverse!

Following the standard convention for tales of this sort, Xena already has a farm in mind, and boy is it--well, let's be generous and call it a fixer-upper! Think Green Acres, but on the bad side of town. Meanwhile, Ares plans include slaves and a half dozen flute-playing girls. But when Xena drags them to her grandmother's farm (the farther our heroines go in time, the more we see of Xena's past!), long since abandoned, all Ares sees is the "outhouse."

Ares gets in one of the best lines right away. Xena finds an old rocking chair and reminisces about how her grandmother used to sit there and tell the children stories of the Olympian gods. Ares: "Bet you never thought you'd grow up to kill most of them, did ya?" Zing!

So, as if Xena didn't have her hands full enough with forging a reticent Ares into a farmer, we next find Siki trying to impress some girls in a bar with a rather exaggerated version of his encounter with Ares. The warlord Gascar overhears him talking, and gets Siki to spill his guts on Ares' location. So now the stakes are increasing as an army moves in. This will provide the serious element in what is basically a comedy. Just as they sprinkle some humor into even the darkest episodes, they do the reverse here.

Meanwhile, back at the farm, we find Ares shirtless (and as a guy, might I add he looked damn hot!) and lying about lazily trying to avoid any form of actual work. Gabrielle comes down stairs, dressed in an incredibly sexy light blue outfit that could almost have come from "Married With Fishsticks." She's flashing plenty of leg and wowing me every moment with that bare midriff look she carries off so well. The cute scarf she wears on her head looks good on her too. Meanwhile, Xena is working away in a brownish country dress that fits her very much like her leather warrior outfit. Take away those boots and she's got legs for miles! No wonder she can run so fast! If this is what country girls look like, I need to live in the fresh air and bale hay too! The episode still might turn out to be good or bad, but by now, we know it's going to be steamy--and we haven't even gotten to the sleeping scene!

The writers did a beautiful job with the disappearing stuff. The first mention comes from Gabrielle, who walks about in the background looking for a saw she left on the porch. You don't think too much about it then, because in the foreground, Xena is trying to motivate Ares into actually doing something besides bitching. Very subtle. Then, as more and more items vanish, we are led along via a red herring about ghosts on the farm. Of course, the truth would prove very different, but what a great tease!

"Something is out there," Xena muses, and right on cue, enter Greba, the neighbor lady. She's something, alright. Of course, she's a hot-looking young widow, so she immediately shows up on Ares' radar (since he's obviously not getting anywhere flirting with Xena or even Gabrielle). She's the neighborhood gossip, and without much prompting tells our trio about the warlord Gascar and how he's bearing down on the valley looking for Ares (of course, she doesn't realize she's speaking to the one and only...). She follows this with a rather heated description of how Gascar ravishes his women conquests "again and again and again and again." How he relieves them of their "chastity" more than once is left to the viewers' imaginations, but Ares is about to burst! And to prove it, as he steps forward towards Greba, you hear what sounds like a zipper ripping open. Yes, he's human alright! And as Xena and Gabrielle shoo off Greba, Ares is making plans with her to discuss "root vegetables." I was laughing so hard! Then, for a finishing touch, Xena decides to ride off in search of Gascar. She's talking to Ares on the porch, and she ducks into the doorway in her peasant dress, only to emerge seconds later fully garbed in her warrior gear, without missing a word of the conversation. What dressing skills! And I thought only Superman could do that in a phone booth!

Xena arrives, announced by a guard even, in Gascar's headquarters. And just as we're about to go into a commercial, she announces she's got a gift for him: Ares' head on a platter! Whoa! Which side is she working here?

Xena uses a mixture of fact and fiction blended with a good dose of cunning, to talk Gascar into letting her handle Ares' ultimate doom ("This is personal," she sneers), thereby giving her more time to hide Ares. This is the kind of intelligence we expect from Xena, not the dopey way she ran off to hunt down Grindl in "The Rheingold," abandoning Gabrielle and running into battle without any clear plan or any inkling of a back-up plan. I don't know about you, but this is the Xena I fell in love with over the last five years.

Although Eve is never mentioned per se during the show, Xena mentions to Gascar how she's still got the ability to kill gods, just in case Ares' loss of godhood turns out to be mere rumor. So we know Eve's still alive, although still wandering in the Land of Castoff Daughters with Hope.

Next we have another great scene between Gabrielle and Ares. It seems like every time it's just the two of them together on screen, there's magic. Who can forget the time Ares let Gabrielle feel what it was to be a god for a moment? Or the evil pact the two formed when Xena ran off to Chin? Of course the chemistry happens when it's just Xena and Ares, but Ares seems to have a grudging respect and love for Gabrielle that is almost brother-and-sisterly, whereas we all know what he thinks of Xena! Being Ares, he refuses to admit this, even to himself. When Gabrielle, sitting by the fireplace and looking oh so beautiful, thanks Ares for giving up his godhood to save her life, his reply takes the form of pointing out to her that he was trying to save Xena by saving Eve, and Gabrielle was merely an "afterthought." Although this sounds insulting, Gabrielle good-naturedly scrunches up her nose with an expression saying, "What did I expect from this jerk, anyway?" Ares takes Gabrielle's moment of bonding and pretty much crashes it to the floor. I didn't know whether to laugh at Gabrielle's eternal optimism or cry over Ares' total lack of empathy. But I'd pay good money to watch Gab wrinkle her nose like that again!

When Xena returns, Ares practically brags about how Gabrielle had no more luck getting him to work than she did. I don't know why Xena's so intent of saving this lout. I agree with John about how, dashing looks aside, the guy's a total self-absorbed jerk. Sure, he can pull off an occasional act of self sacrifice (as with the loss-of-godhood thing) to prove his love for Xena, but when it comes down to the daily grind of maintaining a relationship, the guy's a complete loser. Xena just barely manages to get him to work by the end of the episode. Once they leave, without their prodding, he'll probably just make a series of stupid bungles and end up in even more trouble (perhaps a future episode?). Perhaps he'll marry Greba and she'll take care of him. Poor Greba.

This leads into a conversation about ghosts and the possibility that whoever's stealing all their things could be one. Then, Ares makes one of his few intelligent remarks this hour: "You mortals go to the most incredible places just to rationalize unexplained phenomena." Right on, ex-god.

Meanwhile, reality breaks in on the ghost stories as the roof begins to leak profusely in a thunderstorm. This provides the setup to one of the most outrageous scenes they've ever done, as the only dry room appears to be Xena's old bedroom, and yes, there's only one bed. As adults, Xena feels they can all share. Surely she knows Ares better than that by now? But he's remarkably self-controlled as the scene shifts to later that night.

Ares is sleeping between the women. Is Kevin being paid for this role, or is he paying to play the part? Of course, in true titillating Xenaesque fashion, none of the actors is particularly overclothed, with Ares clutching a tiny rag around his neck to use as a blanket. Hilarious! He's tossing and turning, but trying his best to sleep and behave himself. Suddenly, Xena rolls over to face Ares, and Ares rolls over to face her. When Xena opens her eyes and deems a change of positions to be in order, she rolls over, and Ares slips up behind her in spoon-fashion. Work it, Ares! When Xena tells Ares to roll over the other way, he flips to his back again. Just when you think it's over, Gabrielle rolls over on the other side, and her hand lands with a thud on Ares' (shall we say) godhood! At this point you can almost hear Ares sweating. Xena hears his heavy breathing, and looks over to see what's going on. She then gingerly removes Gabrielle's hand and tosses it back onto the bard's side of the bed, although her other hand still lies across Ares' forehead. At this point, the frustrated Ares cries out, "I'm in Tartarus!" By the gods, I was laughing my butt off! Brilliantly comic! Another classic Xena scene! I wonder if Ares found another place to sleep the next night? It wasn't quite the erotic evening he'd been planning, I'm sure.

The next morning, Ares awakens to find that Xena's breast plate is missing. It's funny how Xena didn't really show much interest in the missing items until something of hers disappears. Nice little touch by Lucy as she begins frantically searching the farm in distress.

Whatever took their things couldn't lift the breast plate (which Ares refers to as "ample"), so it doesn't take an experienced tracker like Xena long to find a burial ground where all their things are covered by freshly turned soil. This leads to us watching Ares mistake a mongrel dog for a wolf and Gabrielle practically falling out of her dress as she peers into the dog's tree trunk shelter. The dog attacks Ares and nearly licks him to death! More laughs! Of course the dog instantly takes an attraction to the king of cold, Ares, giving us yet another layer of humor in this continually morphing plot.

Then, in a tip to the subtexters, when Ares asks Gabrielle if there is anything they agree on, she looks right up at Xena and grins broadly. Ares looks up and replies, "Oh yeah. Anything else?" Hilarious!

There's a great comic exchange next as Greba visits Ares. She basically calls him old, offending his vanity, while he's lying through his teeth attempting to seduce her. Also very funny.

Meanwhile, Xena and Gabrielle have returned with more farm accessories in the form of livestock: chickens, pigs, and so forth. They arrive to find Ares hasn't even had the energy to move to safety before the roof caves in, and he is lying in a self-pitying heap inside the house, more a loser than ever. How is this guy going to handle live animals?

Xena knows! Need a chicken for dinner? Who better to do the job than the former God of War? Think again, little one! Watching the awkward, mortal, sword-wielding Ares trying to chase down a squawking chicken is almost pathetic. How the mighty gods of Olympus have fallen. Then again, it was also funny as Tartarus! He heaps more damage on himself than on the chickens!

Perhaps I'm being nit-picky here, but in the scene where Gabrielle tells Xena she really came back to relive her childhood, I'd have to disagree with her. Usually a keen judge of human nature, the bard is reading too much into it. Seems like Xena felt the place would be a safe one for Ares, and while she's there, she's enjoying some fond memories. Xena gives no indication that her primary focus is her childhood connection. Have to call the bard on this one. The scene does end sweetly, though, as Xena says her life has been anything but safe since childhood. "I'll say," Gabrielle agrees, then breaks into a knowing grin, her eyes flashing. The camera cuts to Xena giving us the wide but close-mouthed smile that is dark Xena's version of a big Cheshire Cat grin. And her eyes match Gabrielle's, beaming with love, and she even cracks her lips to give us a brief Elvis-like half smile. In their eyes, you could see the two women recalling all the "unsafe" times they've shared together, and realizing that it has been that very facet of their lives that has drawn them so tightly together. All this from a few brief glances. I stand up and bow to you, Lucy and Renee. How we'll miss this brilliant chemistry after the series is over!!!

At this point, we find out that Xena's promise to turn over Ares to Gascar wasn't an idle threat, as his troops suddenly bear down on the farmhouse, Xena claiming her plan is working perfectly. Again, I love the conniving Xena! Her plan is apparently "trial by fire." By bringing the troops down on Ares, she's forcing him to act like a peasant farmer in self defense. I was kind of wondering why, now that we can see her, it takes Xena a minute or two to don her armor, and that's with Gab's help, whereas earlier she did it alone in a split second. Don't tell me that was an oversight--the writers are probably still sniggering over that one. Xena, then, runs off so the soldiers won't wonder what she's doing at some nobody farmer's house, which leaves Gabrielle to help Ares, and she's not without her own strategies.

Yes, Gabrielle knows strategy. When Ares requires a few moments to prepare for his role, what does Gabrielle come up with to stall? She tosses off her scarf, tussles her hair, and brazenly rips open her blouse, under Ares' approving eye! Yes, she goes out front, leaning seductively against a poll, and makes the soldiers think she was just doing it with her husband. She's obviously, and quite distractingly, still somewhat in the heat of the moment. Of course, this has the desired effect of making the soldiers open to her stalling tactics. If Creation has an 8x10 of Renee posed on that porch, they've got a sale here. Woo-hoo! Ares later on remarks on her methods of distraction, saying that it said a lot about her character that she went straight to the seductress role. In a way, he's right, but then again, men write and produce the show, right?

There's a funny scene when the soldier investigating the farm beats the tar out of an uncooperative Ares, then Xena "accidentally" shows up to help him. The soldier wants to see a demonstration of her pinch move as an interrogation method and so he can see the blood squirt out of Ares' nose! Since she's supposedly on the soldier's side in this, she's forced to oblige, Ares glancing quickly at her with a "just don't hurt me too much" flick of his eyebrows. When Xena "injures" him, his dog runs up and gives Xena a good chomp on her ass! Is this the only living creature on the planet able to do that and live to tell the tale? That dog is so lucky it didn't find itself remade into a fur-lined chakram carrier the next day! Just too hilarious! But just as Xena's about to chakram the pup afterwards for sitting on Argo's saddle, Ares asks her not to harm "his" dog. When Xena sees that Ares has finally bonded with something ("That dog worships him. That's a relationship Ares can understand," Xena tells Gabrielle), she pardons the pooch. I've seen several e-mails where Ares name for his dog is given as "Horace," but I think he named it "Horse" for the animal it was sitting on when Xena tried to chakram it. If Xena and Gabrielle can have loyal horses, why can't he? At least that's how I saw it.

Yes, it's a horse. "We breed 'em small around here," Ares tells Horse's real owner when he shows up tracking down his lost dog. Things just keep spiraling out of control for poor Ares! Now he's going to lose "his" dog.

Of course, all this madness begins to tie together as the end approaches. The dog has stolen Ares' gauntlet, the dog has been reclaimed by his owner, who turns out to be a travelling salesman. As he peddles his goods in town, Gascar's soldiers recognize the gauntlet the dog is chewing on, and they coerce the salesman to divulge where it came from, thereby leading them to Ares' location. The whole house of cards is about to cave in on Ares for the big finale. Simply brilliant plotting by writer R.J. Stewart.

Even air-headed Greba comes to play a part in this, as the gossip queen arrives in time to spill the news of Gascar's return to Xena, giving her plenty of chance to prepare for the attack. Or prepare yet another daring piece of trickery, utilizing her most valuable weapon, Gabrielle.

Xena returns to Gascar's HQ to alter her role a bit, and she begins to make explanations as to why she hasn't killed Ares yet. She's obviously (to Gascar) hiding something, and suddenly Gabrielle bursts in, engulfed in a jealous rage. She claims that Xena's fallen in love with Ares, and now she's feeling slighted. She wants to turn Ares in herself so she'll have Xena all to herself! Just hilarious! Of course, Gascar's ready to believe these women want a cat fight, so he falls right into their plan. The great part is seeing Xena and Gabrielle drive Gascar from the room by tearing it up fighting each other. The fight is great, from Gab's opening taunts ("You fell in love with Ares, and now suddenly I'm nothin'!" she complains) to the way Gab and Xena bump chests football-style before they let the blows fly. After they fight in rather convincing style, and Gascar has run off, Xena compliments a giggling Gabrielle with, "Alright, nice moves!" Loved it!

It turns out that Gabrielle has told them Ares is hiding in a cave in which there just happens to live a monster with eight heads ("Not one of which is friendly," Gabrielle adds). End of soldiers, though a bit of a grisly end, as Xena's problem solving methods go.

Xena hasn't finished playing with Ares' head yet, and as an inducement to make him stay on the farm, she promises, more or less, to visit him if he stays. Of course, being the two-face he is, he immediately changes his story from "I think I'll be moving on," to "Guess I'll give it a good try." He thinks these cheap lines are winning over Xena, and he leans over expecting a tender kiss from her, but after teasing him by leaning in herself, she merely pinches his cheek and gives him a playful slap! Oops--there's Gabrielle in the background doing that cute nose thing again! Hold on a sec' while I straighten out my toes. Anyway, Xena obviously has seen what a sloth the ex God of War is, and she doesn't appear to be interested in what he's got to offer any more.

And another trademark fuzzy moment to end the show. Xena and Gabrielle ride off, and Xena reflects how she's learned that it was the feeling of being loved that made the farm special, not the farm itself. She says she was lucky then, and, looking at Gabrielle, she's lucky now. Gabrielle looks lovingly at Xena and replies with, "Me, too." Simple yet full of meaning.

Well, in conclusion I have to admit I only found this episode mildly funny (by Xena comic standards) on first viewing. I was prepared to give it a three chakram rating as a clever, but not particularly outrageous, comic outing. After watching it again for this review, I found myself constantly laughing over the dialogue and brilliant comic setups. The plot superficially seems simple (Xena disguises Ares as a farmer), yet gradually blooms into an almost Marx Brothers-like farce in which the brilliantly constructed series of subplots eventually builds up only to fall like a house of cards right onto Ares. Although it didn't have the resonance of one of Xena's epic adventures, it was a great comedy which could hold its own with such classics as "Been There, Done That" and "A Comedy of Eros." So I'll bump my rating up to four chakrams after further review, and I'll see you all next week! Cattle on!
Rick(Gabriologist since the late 20th Century)
Visit my web site at ricks-studio.com for Episode Reviews,
Humorous Quotes, and other Xena-themed writing!

"Xena, I killed us a chicken for dinner!" --Ares, calling out from the chicken yard
"Nice try, Ares. That's a rat, and it was dead before you went out there." --Xena, looking out the door