It must be Sunday, 'cause here comes Rick's latest Xena review for "The Haunting of Amphipolis:"

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First off, let me say I'm not a big fan of horror films in general (unless they are particularly well-done, like "The Shining," the "Scream" films, "The Exorcist," "Halloween," and a few others). I've tried to watch those "Evil Dead" movies, but I think they're really, really bad--and not in a so-bad-they're-good way. From what I read of the previous e-mails on this episode, there are apparently many "quotes" from other horror movies, and most of those went right over my head since I haven't seen the movies they were spoofing, or it's been so long I don't remember all the movie's details. So, given this limitation, I had to review this episode simply on the basis of what I saw on the screen and how it holds up as an episode of XWP.

So, the opening sequence pretty much sets the tone for the episode. Archangel Michael talking about how Hell is about to flow over into the real world, and only Xena, with her God-killing powers, can hope to stop it. Our three heroines then return to Amphipolis, seeking to introduce Eve to Cyrene. Like one of the other writers, I wonder how come they assume Cyrene is still alive. If Xena was, say, 30 when she was frozen, Cyrene must've been, say, 50. Twenty five years later, Cyrene would be 75, which, back then, would be unbelievably old. Sure, people must've lived that long on occasion, but that would not be the rule. I could see them going back hoping for the best, but they just assume Cyrene will be there. Darien Takle must've been relieved to see herself playing a ghost in this episode since that meant she wouldn't have to put on all that old-age makeup like Ted Raimi did to play old Joxer. Anyway, they return to Cyrene's tavern, only to find it has degenerated into the classic "haunted house," complete with spider webs, dust, and ghosts running around just out of one's line of vision (ancient Greece had tumbleweeds?). So we've got a good ol' Halloween setup, as expected from the teaser at the start of the show. Again, I'm not a horror fan, but last season they pulled off a wrestling parody without making me puke, so let's roll with it.

Again, just wanna say how much I love the new opening credits. Really catches them up with the "current" Xena look without losing any of the feeling of the old credits. Now that Renee's moved up to starring, if there's a next season, they'll have to rename the series "Xena & Gabrielle: Warrior Soulmates." Nah!

Once the girls have concluded the house is haunted, they do the first thing anyone does in a haunted house: they split up. And Xena goes to the mausoleum, which, like in any good horror movie, is located right next door to the (ex-)tavern. Wasn't that against some sort of health code?

Like another writer asked: how did Xena know those were her mother's bones in the mausoleum? There didn't appear to be any writing anywhere, but maybe I just don't recognize ancient Grecian when I see it! And, if Cyrene was perceived to be a witch, who put out all the candles and trinkets on her casket? Somebody must've liked her. Of course, it looked pretty "horrific," so maybe I'm overanalyzing here. Maybe Xena recognized Cyrene from the "feel" of the bones, just as Eve recognized Cyrene earlier from the "feel" she got.

I loved the scene where Eve and Gabrielle are discussing Cyrene, then their food suddenly becomes infested with worms (I thought "maggots," but another writer identified them as "mealworms"). Nonetheless, I never lose my ability to be grossed-out at such a thought. Apparently, neither does Gabrielle, as she rushes off to throw up (in yet another episode). And Eve runs outside with the food, leaving the girls each on their own in a haunted house. Hmmm....

Now that Gabrielle's eaten the food, this leads to another stereotypical horror scene which never fails to gross me out: the worms begin to multiply and come out of her skin! The shots of her pulling out the worms and ripping chunks of her skin away, complete with copious blood, really got me. Little did I know, but this would be about the last really scary (is that the same as gross?) thing to happen, in my opinion.

At this point, Eve, for reasons unknown, utters her chant for the first time: "In the name of Eli and all the powers of Heaven, I command this evil presence to be cast out." Why did she say this, and in those words? Who is she to command anyone? Apparently, she is an exorcist. Where did this come from, and how did she know it herself? I guess, like so many things in this episode, she just "knew." I'm starting to get tired of the writers just pulling stuff like that out of their asses in this episode. But, I guess they have to play into the horror motif at all costs. I guess she has more powers than we thought, being "The Messenger" and all!

I'm also not clear on why Mephestopheles (the "Whoosh!" spelling) would send evil spirits to Cyrene's tavern in the first place. Since Xena and Eve would be presumed dead at that point, why torment Cyrene? Or was it just another case of a god (surely "The King of Hell" is also a god of some sort?) just doing something nasty for the pleasure of it?

I liked the idea of Gabrielle being pulled through the floor into a demon water world, but somehow I just didn't find it at all scary. I guess the monsters in the water, or acid or whatever, just looked like people with rubber masks on. But by now, Gabrielle is learning why it's dangerous to run around alone in a haunted house! I guess since she's the one with no extra powers from this whole Twilight thing, it's easy for the demons to pick on her. And the demons aren't done picking on her yet!

When Xena pulls out Gabrielle, her clothes are simply ruined, and her boots and sais are totally missing. I believe she's supposed to get a slightly updated look this season, so maybe that's how the writers will work that in. Meanwhile, she gets to run around in the buff a bit (no complaints here) before donning a pretty blue-green dress (belted with a large tape measure?) and sandals. I saw many previous writers decry the new threads, but I thought they were hot! Gave her a slightly softer appearance, and I loved the chance to see a bit more of her below the knees! Sure, on a show like this, the sandals are totally impractical (remember the bare feet[!] she had in India?), but it'll only be until the new official threads get introduced. I love seeing Gabrielle change outfits, since Xena never does (pregnancy excepted). Enjoy the change while you can!

During the discussion during Gabrielle's shower, I found the whole explanation of Mephestopheles rather lame. If Cyrene died "unabsolved," as Eve puts it, why would the "King of Hell" have her soul? Her house is haunted, not Cyrene. Surely, we've seen that she's good enough a person to go "up," not "down?" Again, I think the writers are just making this up willy-nilly. And if it's all been done to lure Eve there, to get her blood so Mephestopheles can "become flesh," how did Meph know that way back years ago? Everyone thought Xena and Eve were dead back then. I just don't get it.

I didn't really think the scene where Xena sees her brother lying dead worked real well. She's supposed to feel great pain and guilt in her part in his death, but I felt like we've been there and gotten over that. Of course, it does give Xena a chance to tell her mother how sorry she is for the way things turned out. The most chilling part is when spirit Xena turns at the end to level a stare at real Xena. If looks could kill! And you gotta love the way they pulled out the original Xena costume for the scene, including the braided hair. A kudos for the Continuity Dept., since we normally rag on them pretty mercilessly!

Blood dripping upward: cool!

As she's threatened with being washed away in blood, Eve begins muttering her "Powers of Eli" speech over and over. It obviously didn't take Adrienne long to learn her script this week! And why was Gabrielle showing stigmata-like marks on her hands and feet? Looked scary, but what's the point?

Gabrielle is taken over by Mephestopheles, and again, my reaction was, been there, done that. She seemed too much like her demonic character from Fallen Angel. My question is, was that a bare stunt butt, or did we see a bit more than usual of Ms. O'Connor's pretty back side? And it's amazing how, when possessed Gabrielle attacks Xena, the first thing Xena does is put clothes on her. Surely there were other concerns that needed to be addressed first? (And I'm not just saying that because I want more naked Gabrielle!) Somehow, I find Renee much scarier when she's downplaying the role. There was plenty of evil in one glance from Hope, and she's certainly as pleasantly packaged as Gabrielle! But, you could tell Renee was having fun with the role, so that made up for a lot.

Loved it when Gab/Meph stuck out her tongue and licked Xena's hand. That one gesture said so many things, about Mephestopheles, and Gabrielle, and about the X/G relationship in general. It was evil (Meph taking liberties with Gabrielle during his invasion of her body), intimate (like Gabrielle is with Xena), and sexy (in so many ways, including subtextually). Wonder if it was a Renee ad lib?

The vision of Cyrene being burned at the stake was pretty disturbing. Hearing her cry out for her daughter was simply heart-rending. Normally, when a person calls out "Xena!" the warrior princess shows up, but not this time. And Gab/Meph's laugh at the end was simply, well, hilarious in an evil sort of way.

Another logical glitch? When Eve exorcises Gabrielle, Eve says that Gabrielle has been "cleansed" and so cannot be retaken. Yet, when Eve cleanses the tavern, it keeps going back to possessed. Does cleansing only work on people? And if everything is possessed by Mephestopheles, wouldn't Gabrielle's newfound dress also be working against her? The other objects in the room appear to be under the control of evil.

I loved the special effect of Xena and Gabrielle blending together, but it wasn't really scary.

It was pretty cool writing when Meph began to draw Eve's blood out of her arms, and Xena steps up to draw her chakram. But what's she' going to throw her chakram at? There's nothing really there. Time for Xena to rethink her strategies. Nice scene. And Eve gets a nose-bleed, anticipating the flow of much nostril blood from Xena herself during her battle with Mephestopheles.

As Gabrielle says: "I can't believe you're showing me [the pinch] now!" While one would think the warrior princess would've included this as part of Gabrielle's warrior training previously (don't tell me Xena didn't give her some help to get to the level she's at now). But does this mean that from now on, Gabrielle can also apply the pinch? She gets more Xena-like every minute. And I would think Gabrielle would really be nervous after seeing how close the spot is to stop Xena's heart compared to the undo-the-pinch spot!

Mephistopheles pretty much beats the tar out of Xena during their first confrontation in the spirit world. It's interesting to me to see how the violence of the violent scenes has increased over the years while Xena herself seems to always be reaching for new ways to curb the violence.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Mephistopheles announces that whoever kills him must take his place as King of Hell. Again, where did the writers come up with that? Just another plot device to drag the show out another twenty minutes or so. Again, I thought this too much like the "Fallen Angel" premise of Xena taking over Hell then, trading places with Callisto, etc.

Eve confronting her previous "kills" again reminds me of Xena going through the same thing in "Dreamworker." Seen it before. But then we are served up the last good scare: Livia returns to confront Eve. Again, we've seen Xena confront herself before, but Livia is much more of a mystery at this point. How evil is she exactly, and what will she do ("Then why do you get a tingle when I do THIS"--pow!)? The fact that Adrienne captures a near-Callisto-like intensity in her portrayal of Livia only heightens the tension. I thought she did a great job capturing the two personalities perfectly as they play off each other. When Eve became Livia and pulled out her sword, I thought she would try to kill herself, but she just tosses the sword away with fear.

I was surprised that Gabrielle was so against unleashing Mephestopheles. Surely by now she'd have a bit more confidence in Xena's ability to kill just about any evil thing that comes along. Relax, Gab, and watch the show! This does lead to one of the show's better lines from Xena: "My mother's soul is trapped, my daughter is half dead, and the portal to Hell opened up in my back yard!" Kinda helps put your own life in perspective! "We make our own destiny in this family," she goes on to say. If that's not a motto to live by, I just don't know!

Well, the fight goes pretty much as you'd expect--Xena runs the "flesh" Mephestopheles through. But before she does, she claims he's lying about having to take over his throne in Hell. Perhaps that was a bluff? But when he dies, Xena does do a little facial thing, almost like The Furies are entering her, and appears to be, well, not quite there. Just when you think she's gonna wheel around and give Gabrielle a taste of her sword as she runs up to check on Xena, she just kind of shakes her head and returns to normal. Is she in some way now the ruler of Hell? Perhaps we'll find out next week in what appears to be a continuation of this story (Xena: "I've got a feeling it's not over yet."), but for now, Xena's back in control.

For those of you who think I only give these shows 4 or 5 chakrams out of 5 (hey, I just happen to think it's an excellent show!), I'm going to have to give this one a 2 1/2. It gets marks off for it's impenetrable and slapped-together plot contrivances (a weakness of the horror genre in general, in my opinion, so perhaps this is the XWP's credit for following the formula!) and for simply not being scary enough (which appears to have been the writer's primary goal). Many of you will disagree with me on this, but that's just me and my general unfamiliarity with the whole horror genre. I guess it just takes a lot for a TV show to really put a scare into me. I would rate it lower, but as usual with even the weakest Xena episodes, it had moments of inspiration as I mention above. It was certainly disgusting and disturbing, even when not particularly scary. After sharing a lot of time with the Olympian gods, this episode was a chance for Xena, Gabrielle, and Eve to function together as a family unit without a lot of guest stars to distract them (Cyrene really wasn't in it all that much, and Mephestopheles mainly in the final quarter hour). It was great to see Eve begin to find her self-confidence returning after cowering behind Xena most of the time lately. The special effects were great, and the acting, as usual, superb. The actors obviously relished the chance to really ham it up during the various horror vignettes the show presented, especially Renee, who was put through a wide variety of situations. Much of the mood I think is due to the music, which I thought was creepier than most of the action! Again, the show appears to continue next week, so maybe it'll all make more sense as the story line develops. And it'll be interesting to see how the dynamic of Xena and Gabrielle changes due to the presence of Eve over the season.

And what's wrong with an episode that shows Gabrielle's bare tush?
Rick(Gabriologist since the late 20th Century)
Visit my web site at ricks-studio.com for Episode Reviews,
Humorous Quotes, and other Xena-themed writing!

"Boo!" --Gabrielle, leaping out from behind a corner
"Gabrielle, it's going to take more than that to scare me now!" --Xena
"Hi, I'm your daughter Livia!" --Livia, leaping out from behind another corner
"Aieeee!" --Xena, leaping up in fright